


I should've held you tighter (when I had the chance)

by sappho_not_shakespeare



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/F, Heavy Angst, Post-3x05, Post-Break Up, Project Cadmus, Sanvers - Freeform, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-08-04
Packaged: 2019-04-06 15:20:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 37,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14059794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sappho_not_shakespeare/pseuds/sappho_not_shakespeare
Summary: The one where Alex is still in love with Maggie, an attempt is made to salvage what's left of their relationship, but of course, it's never as easy as they hope it's going to be.(best review award: 'ouchly beautiful' - @HerDiamonds)





	1. free

 

-PROLOGUE-

(ALEX)

 

 

 

 

It’s late.

 

Well, technically it’s just tipped past the point where ridiculously late becomes ridiculously early, but either way, Alex is still awake. Because she can’t stand the thought of sleeping in that bed, even if it’s just lying there, without Maggie. Because she can’t bear to be in this apartment alone unless she’s too many shots deep in a bottle of something she told Kara she poured down the sink.

 

Because _God_ , even the fucking scotch tastes like her, like the echo of its sharp tang on Maggie’s lips after a night spent together at the bar.

 

She’s wearing that shirt again. The one from the early days in their relationship, when everything was new and shiny, and neither of them were entirely sure which oversized black shirt belonged to who. Part of Alex hopes it was Maggie’s – it’s the intoxicated part of her brain, desperate to cling on to any memory she can get, and it hurts like hell. It used to smell like her, but, now it just smells like whisky.

 

Unfortunately for drunk Alex, sober Alex found the _Hello sunshine_ t-shirt that morning and now it lies screwed up into a little orange ball in the corner of the kitchen. As much as it hurts to remember all the memories they made everywhere in the apartment, the only thing that’s more gut-wrenching to look at is her own reflection; sober Alex took the liberty of sitting facing away from the bathroom mirror. There’s that, at least.

 

Alex’s head isn’t even spinning anymore. The nauseous stage has long since faded into the you’d-have-a-hangover-if-you-stopped-now stage, but there doesn’t seem to be a reason to stop taking sips of the amber liquid in the bottle, and Alex isn’t exactly in the position to question anything right now. She hasn’t been this drunk since before she joined the DEO, in the first part of her life, the ‘before’. Now, with the return of substance abuse is the ‘after’.  

 

_Great_ , Alex thinks. Another thing she’s fucked up without a second thought. Maggie was right. Of course she was. About the drinking, for one. Not that anyone else had seen it as anything beyond a slightly unhealthy coping mechanism, rather than a real problem – Maggie had seen through that before they were even really together. And the impulsiveness - that, too. The detective definitely had a point when it came to Alex rushing into things without thinking: most of her major decisions lately have been no exception.

 

There are three rules that Alex set herself for tonight.

 

_One: don’t let Kara know you’re passively trying to drink yourself to death_.

 

That one may not go as well as planned, seeing as Alex is meant to be at the DEO in three hours, but frankly, the yearning deep in Alex’s soul can only really be dealt with under the influence. Whether she ends up with a fucked up liver is beside the point.

 

_Two: don’t call Mom again without thinking_.

 

Even the thought of Eliza’s condescending tone and barely disguised disappointment makes her stomach lurch, and it’s only partially the scotch.

 

Three?

Well, three was the simplest. No crying.

 

Alex raises her glass to take another sip, only to realise after a few minutes of drunken confusion that it’s empty. _Oh, well_ , she muses – the bottle is a perfectly good substitute to drinking out of a glass.

 

_You don’t get to cry_. _This is on you. You don’t get to cry_.

 

At this point, Alex isn’t completely sure she’s capable getting up to walk to bed, and that’s assuming she could tolerate herself for a second longer than she has to with one side of the mattress being cold.

 

Alex can feel her pulse thrumming in her temple, and black spots dance in front of her eyes as she blinks numbly at the wall.

 

_That’s new._

There’s a shrill ringing noise in her ears. Her ringtone, she figures out a few minutes later, fumbling around in the dim light. She’d told J’onn to leave her alone. Apparently, not turning up to work without any excuse other than ‘I don’t deserve to get out of bed’ makes her a shitty agent. That was always the one thing she could succeed at – her job. Shitty daughter. Shitty fiancée. Shitty sister. Now, shitty agent.

 

Right – the phone.

 

Alex squints at the too-bright screen, and her chest aches with longing when she realises it’s not who she wanted it to be. That would be bad, though. Really bad. Maggie deserves so much better than to put up with her incoherent, rambling ex after what she put her through. Maggie Sawyer had always deserved better, always _will_ , deserve better.

 

“Alex? Alex, are you there?”

 

Oh god. Winn. She hadn’t meant to answer that. She fumbles for the end call button, jabbing her finger against the screen repeatedly until the screen goes dark.

 

Close enough.

 

It’s too hot in here, and Alex can hear the heady rush of alcohol pulsing in her ears. Her head comes to rest against the coldness of the wall, a sudden spike of nausea making her stomach heave. It takes a long few minutes of retching before any vomiting actually happens, and Alex thanks her past self for drinking in the bathroom as acid burns in her throat.

 

Eventually, there’s nothing left in her stomach, and only whisky in her veins. All Alex wants now is to sleep, to forget about everything. For the first few days, sleep had been a relief, an escape, even, but now there hasn’t been a single morning over the past few months when Alex hasn’t woken up with the taste of blood and salty tears in her mouth. _Fuck it_ , Alex decides, giving in to a state of semi-consciousness, slumped against the bath.

 

 

//

 

 

Someone’s shaking her.

 

Alex’s eyes flutter open and a hot flash of pain immediately radiates through her skull, settling behind her eyes and pulsating horribly despite the darkness of the room. Her body seems to ache everywhere, her limbs full of lead. The pain in her stomach comes as a surprise, twisting back and forth like a knife.

 

“What are you doing in here?” Winn asks, gripping Alex’s shoulders hard enough to draw her attention.

 

No one was supposed to find her like this. She was meant to sleep it off. Alone. She needs to be _alone_. Shit – he’s going to tell Kara about this, _of course_ he is. That was the one thing she was trying to avoid. The hundreds of thoughts bounce painfully off the inside of her skull as Winn slips his hands under her arms, pulling her gently upright as pain stabs through her abdomen.

 

“Go away, Winn,” she mutters, the words slurring together.

 

Alex feels his shoulders sag in relief at the sound of her voice.  Her voice cracks without her consent, the raw pain grasping at her chest seeping into her voice. It’s harsh – too harsh; Winn’s only trying to help. _He cares about you_.

 

She chokes on a half-formed sob.

 

_He shouldn’t_.

 

“Alex. Open your eyes.”

 

Now that’s really too much to ask. She does it anyway, if only to shut him up. Every sound feels like a punch to the head, like something resembling her spectacular loss against a Hellgrammite last year.

 

“Winn.”

 

“Winn _._ I said get _out_ ,” she chokes out, trying feebly to shove him off her. The room lurches sideways at the movement, and thankfully his grip on her shoulders never wavers. Everything’s too bright, too _real_ , and her whole body is tense with pain, shoulders shaking hard with tears.

 

 

“No, Alex. Okay? I’m not leaving you like… like _this_.”

 

Somehow, Winn gets Alex sitting up enough that he can hold her. Luckily, he doesn’t seem to care that his shirt is suddenly soaked in tears, or that Alex reeks of alcohol. Her heart is thudding like it’s trying to escape from her chest, suffocating any attempt at breathing Alex can muster between sobs. She loves her so much that she can’t _breathe_ without her, and she hates herself for it.

 

_You did this. You did this. You did this._

Minutes stretch into years, and suddenly Kara’s voice is by her side, asking too much, asking her to breathe. Warm hands cup her face, pulling her close, whispering something Alex can’t focus on enough to understand in her ear.

 

Finally, her breathing slows, the choking grief relaxing its hold on her throat and giving way to numbness. He’s speaking again, asking her to open her eyes, but it’s too much all at once, and Alex feels herself slipping away from reality.

 

 

//

 

 

The first thing Alex registers is the pulsing ache in her head. She opens her eyes, struggling to focus on the white ceiling above her head until the awful sound of a chair scraping against the floor makes her jump.

 

“Kara?”

 

Winn turns around, moving quickly enough that he nearly falls over a chair in the process.

 

“You’re awake.”

 

There’s no anger in his voice, no disappointment. Instead, there’s just concern, just fear. Alex scans the room, her eyebrows drawing together in confusion at the beeping monitors and IV bags.

 

“What-”

 

“We’re in National City General - I called an ambulance. Please don’t hate me, you just, you looked so pale, and you were unresponsive, and I googled alcohol poisoning, and well…”

 

To Alex’s relief, Winn trails off into silence. The IV tugs annoyingly at her arm as she waita silently for Winn to call Kara or something.

 

“Alex… what happened?”

 

Alex winces as she draws her knees up to her chest, taking the glass of water he presses into her hand. She stares blankly at the wall, unsure of what Winn wants her to say.

 

“Alex-”

 

“I’m fine now. Please. I need to be alone.”

 

“No, Alex, you’re not fine. Clearly.”

 

The lump in Alex’s throat grows more prominent.

 

“ _Please_.”

 

He shakes his head as Alex buries her face in her hands.

 

“You gave yourself alcohol poisoning, Alex. You’re a doctor. You know this.”

 

“Do you think if I cared I would’ve done that?”

 

Winn’s face falls, and guilt immediately washes over Alex.

 

_I shouldn’t have said that_.

 

There’s a long silence, and Win sits down next to her, gently, as if Alex is about to shatter.

 

“I can’t stop thinking,” Alex swallows hard, her voice breaking, “I’m _disgusted_ with myself.”

 

“Kara told me you were doing better.”

 

“It’s been _months_. I thought I’d feel better by now – even a tiny bit. The more I think about it, the more I… I just, I hate myself. More than anything, I just wish I hadn’t-”

 

“But you two broke up for a reason, right?”

 

“Don’t make it sound so _fair_. I threw Maggie out of my life like it was nothing. We were going to get married, Winn, and I just… I ruined everything based on something I know I can never have.”

 

“That’s not true.”

 

“You know it is,” Alex hisses, glancing at the open door, “I work for a secret government organisation that doesn’t technically exist. My sister is a superhero. I get kidnapped on a regular basis. I can’t have kids. It would be selfish, dangerous, even.”

 

“You can’t blame yourself for all of it, Alex.”

 

“You know what, Winn? Yeah, I can. Because it was me, it was _all_ me. Maggie deserved so much better than _this_. I know you can’t see past this, but really, it’s not even about me.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Alex takes a deep breath, rubbing at the tears welling in her eyes.

 

“I walked into Maggie’s life, and became just another person out of the long list of assholes who got her to trust me, then abandoned her.”

 

“You still love her, don’t you?”

 

“More than anything,” Alex admits, “which is why I hate this so much. I hate myself for doing this to her. She asked me, begged me, even to reconsider it, and I just ended it, like it was nothing. What kind of person… what kind of _monster-_ ”

 

“Danvers,” a voice growls from the doorway, “stop!”

 

Alex’s head whips to the side at the exclamation. Her heart clenches immediately, ceasing to beat for a few seconds as she takes in the woman standing in the doorway.

 

“Maggie?”


	2. you remind me of true love (when it's nowhere)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We see things from Maggie's point of view as she sees Alex for the first time in months. Angst ensues.

-PART ONE-

(MAGGIE)

 

 

 

Maggie’s just finishing up at a crime scene when she gets the call.

 

It’s been a difficult case - a double homicide linked to a drug ring that the NCPD’s been gathering evidence on for months - and finally, it’s over. Maggie knows the DEO were involved at some point because of the links to the alien community, but J’onn must have assigned a different liaison after what happened.

 

She’s not sure if that’s a good thing or not.

 

Warm, orange light trickles down from the sky as the sun climbs higher above the buildings. It’s almost peaceful, with the bitterness of winter giving way to early spring in National City, and Maggie wants nothing more than to go back to her apartment and sleep. She’s been working since yesterday afternoon, on her feet since last night, and it’s a struggle to keep her eyes open at this point.

 

Someone from the precinct hands her a clipboard, which Maggie signs it quickly, suddenly aware of her phone vibrating in her pocket. She glances at the screen, half expecting it to be Winn asking if she’s free for video games and a beer tonight, but the caller comes up as ‘unknown’.

 

Wearily, Maggie answers it, holding the phone up to her ear.

 

The world freezes, adrenaline crackling down her spine at the mention of Alex’s name. She listens in stunned silence, her throat closing up and Maggie grips the phone tightly, not caring that the woman on the line can’t see her nodding. She stays rooted to the spot after the nurse hangs up, her breath catching in her throat. McConnell puts his hand on her shoulder – something which would usually earn him a death glare – forcing her to focus on the task of getting there.

 

“Sawyer?”

 

“I have to go.”

She’s already shoving her keys into the ignition, speeding away from the scene before McConnell has time to reply.

 

Maggie doesn’t let herself think on the way to National City General, doesn’t let herself feel the weight of what this could mean. Alex may be trained in thirty military weapons and possess the ability to fool a polygraph, but no one knows more than Maggie that despite her strength, Alex Danvers is far from indestructible.

 

Maggie’s had more than enough practice at hiding her feelings, but even so, panic bubbles over in her chest, overcoming her frantic attempt to push it down. All she can think about is the last time something like this happened…

 

A year ago, now. Longer. The ghostly pallor of Alex’s skin and the blue tinge to her icy lips is still seared behind Maggie’s eyelids, screaming at her every time she blinks.

 

She half considers switching the sirens on the police cruiser to get there faster, but Alex once called her a good cop and she’s not about to crush any more expectations the Danvers woman had of her anytime soon.

 

A thousand different scenarios flash behind Maggie’s eyes as she pulls into a parking space, her heart trying to break free of the confines of her chest. The rusty scent of blood and the sharp smell of the DEO’s med bay permeate her thoughts, every lingering memory of being on the wrong side of the operating room after Alex took a bullet bubbling to the surface. She runs a clammy hand through her hair, the feeling of dread growing heavy in her gut.

 

The keys in her hand leave marks in her skin as she rushes to the front desk, breathlessly asking for Alex, begging to know if she’s okay, _god_ , if she’s alive. Maggie knows all too well just how dangerous Alex’s job is, how often she puts her life on the line to protect others. The morning news is already covering the Reign’s latest attack on the city, if the fuzzy screen in the waiting area is anything to go by, and the walls feel like they’re closing in as Maggie waits with baited breath.

 

Nausea twists in Maggie’s stomach as the nurse types, searching for Alex’s name in the system. Thankfully there’s nothing in her stomach to throw up, and it passes before she has to walk anywhere.

 

“Ah yes, Alexandra Danvers. Who are you?”

_Alexandra_ -  she always hated being called that. It takes Maggie a second to realise she’s expected to reply, and she swallows hard, the lump in her throat growing more prominent by the second. The woman looks at her cautiously, clearly sensing Maggie’s fear.

 

“Maggie Sawyer. Her fiancée,” Maggie lies, hating that it isn’t true, but willing to say anything to get to Alex faster.

 

Her voice cracks, and Maggie despises the show of weakness, her thumb brushing over the cool metal of the badge that rests on her hip. The woman’s eyes narrow slightly, the concerned sympathy fading slightly to an unreadable hardness. There’s a moment of uncomfortable silence where they take each other in, the nurse’s fingers immediately going to the cross around her neck.

 

Maggie’s stomach turns.

 

 _Now is not the fucking time for this_ , she thinks, ready to search the hospital herself if she has to.

 

“Room 219. Want me to show you where it is?”

 

“She’s okay?”

 

“Seems like it.”

 

Maggie nods numbly, following the older woman to an elevator. Her finger throbs as she jams it into a button, wishing the damn thing would hurry up.

 

“Up one floor, 219 is the first room on your left,” she continues stiffly, lowering her eyes.

 

“Thank you.”

 

The doors slide open, and Maggie steps inside, ramming her index finger into the button for the first floor until pain shoots up her wrist. She hates the feeling of being enclosed in the tiny metal box, her heart racing at the sensation of being trapped. Alex seemed to recover from the kidnapping and the fear of running water pretty quickly, all things considered, but Maggie still can’t bring herself to get into an elevator unless she has to. It feels pathetic, especially now – after all, she wasn’t the one in the tank. The walls are closing in on her, and Maggie’s panic is beginning to inch over the blurry line into hysteria, until it stops, the metal doors shuddering open.

 

The corridor is empty, with just the low hum of conversation and the beeping of machines to distract from the silence.

 

Maggie finds herself faced with the realisation that, for the first time in months, she’s going to be face to face with the love of her life.

 

She almost does a double take at her own thought.

 

 _Don’t call her that_.

 

But it’s still true. Of course it is.

 

Abruptly, the sound of Alex’s voice slices through the silence, and Maggie’s heart stops for a fraction of a second before picking up at full speed, the rush of blood deafeningly loud in her ears.

 

“It’s been months. I thought I’d feel better by now – even a tiny bit. The more I think about it, the more I… I just, I hate myself. More than anything, I just wish I hadn’t-”

 

Maggie’s mouth falls open in shock, and her legs stop cooperating. She stands frozen in the middle of the corridor.

 

“But you two broke up for a reason, right?” Winn asks, clearly concerned about Alex if the nervous quiver in his voice is any indication.

 

Alex is talking about them – there’s no doubt about it – and Maggie wrestles the urge to rush in

there and reassure her.

 

“Don’t make it sound so  _fair_. I threw Maggie out of my life like it was nothing. We were going to get married, Winn, and I just… I ruined everything based on something I know I can never have.”

 

The tears welling in Maggie’s eyes spill over, streaming down her face without her consent. She rubs them away angrily. Out of sight from the open door of Alex’s room, Maggie slumps against the wall, unable to leave and equally unable to stop listening to the sound of Alex’s voice.

 

“That’s not true.”

 

“You _know_ it is. I work for a secret government organisation that doesn’t technically exist. My sister is a superhero. I get kidnapped on a regular basis. I can’t have kids. It would be selfish, dangerous, even.”

 

Alex sounds exhausted, like it’s all she’s thought about for a long time, and yet Maggie can hear the anger lashing out in her voice.

 

“You can’t blame yourself for all of it, Alex.”

 

“You know what, Winn? Yeah, I can. Because it was me, it was all me. Maggie deserved so much better than this. I know you can’t see past this, but really, it’s not even about me.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Maggie hears Alex sigh, taking a deep breath to calm herself before explaining.

 

“I walked into Maggie’s life, and became just another person out of the long list of assholes who got her to trust me, then abandoned her.”

 

“You still love her, don’t you?”

 

Maggie’s heart jumps into her throat, her ears straining for Alex’s response. _This isn’t fair_ , a small voice at the back of her mind insists, _this won’t end well for either of you. It can’t_.

 

It’s a good thing Maggie’s never been good at taking her own advice when Alex replies.

 

“More than anything,” Alex pauses, and for half a second, Maggie thinks she’s seen her, “which is why I hate this so much. I hate myself for doing this to her. She asked me, begged me, even to reconsider it, and I just ended it, like it was nothing. What kind of person… what kind of monster-”

 

She can’t help herself; Alex sounds so heartbroken, so _angry_ , even if that anger is misplaced, that Maggie doesn’t think before shoving the door open, her hands trembling as she grips the handle hard.

 

“Danvers,” she chokes, a desperate plea for Alex’s compliance, “stop.”

 

The tortured look on Alex’s face is something Maggie knows she’ll never forget.

 

“Maggie?”

 

She stays rooted to the spot, her lips parted as if in surprise as Alex stares at her.

 

“I’m sorry,” she hears herself whispering, “I shouldn’t have… the hospital called me.”

 

Alex stays silent, seemingly unaware of the tears overflowing in her eyes.

 

“I’m going to leave you two to… yeah.”

 

Maggie had forgotten Winn was there, and his voice startles her. Even so, neither of them turn to look at him. Winn slips out of the doorway, and Maggie hears the door close behind him.

 

“I can go.”

 

Alex seems to snap out of her daze, her eyes shifting from Maggie to the IV stuck in her arm as if she wants to hide it.

 

“You don’t have to leave.”

 

Maggie doesn’t want to believe ‘you don’t have to’ is Alex for ‘please stay’, but they know each other too well for things to be different. It’s terrifying just how easily everything just falls back into place, as if no time has passed and nothing was different.

 

 _Everything_ is different.

 

“I’m your emergency contact?”

 

Maggie notices the way Alex’s eyes soften, pain dancing behind the walls she’s so clearly trying and failing to put up.

 

“Please… tell me you forgot. Tell me you were going to change it. Tell me it slipped your mind.”

 

The other woman’s shoulders sag in defeat, hugging her knees to her chest defensively. Maggie squeezes her eyes shut for a few seconds, trying to ground herself.

 

“Mags,” she breathes, the name falling from her lips just as simply, just as perfectly as it had all those months ago, “I’m so sorry… you’ve probably moved on, and I – I’m making this worse.”

 

There’s no self-pity in Alex’s words, and maybe that would be easier to deal with, but instead, there’s just anguish. Regret burns in Alex’s eyes with an unexpected intensity in her eyes that takes Maggie’s breath away.

 

The difference between her attraction to Alex and the inimitable sensation of being _drawn_ to her like this, being pulled in by some gravitational force, some phenomenon of nature, of unfathomable magnitude, is staggering.

 

And both of them would never have had it any other way.

 

 

“It doesn’t matter,” Maggie lies, still frozen in the middle of the room, “What happened, Alex?” her brow furrows in realisation, “where’s Kara?”

 

“I’m fine,” Alex mumbles, not answering either of Maggie’s questions. “H-how much of that did you hear?”

 

“Do you want me to answer that?”

 

Alex nods fervently, and Maggie sees pain flit across her face at the movement. She finds herself moving forwards, pulled towards the other woman by some unknown force.

 

“All of it.”

 

As if ashamed, Alex drops her gaze as Maggie moves closer.

 

“What happened?”

 

“I had an encounter with a bottle of whisky,” she replies dryly, not meeting Maggie’s eyes.

 

Maggie’s teeth grind together, and neither of them speak until Alex stands shakily, her chest tightening at the close proximity as Maggie grips her arm.

 

“I pictured seeing you again every day,” Alex admits, her skin burning under Maggie’s touch, “it shouldn’t be like this.”

 

Her words are painstakingly reminiscent of another conversation. Of _“this is stupid”,_ and _“this can’t be it, Alex, it’s us.”_

 

Despite the hurt pulsing in her chest, Maggie can’t help but agree. It’s March; they would’ve been married for months by now if things were different. They’d even set a date, and every third of the month, it’s a little harder to get out of bed. It shouldn’t be like this. It should be rich, and full, and _happy_ , but it’s not.

 

It was, and now, it’s just… it’s not.

 

It takes Maggie a few seconds to realise that Alex is suddenly too close to her, pulling the gown off to reveal a shirt (thankfully) underneath.

 

“You’re discharging yourself? God, you haven’t changed a bit.”

 

Alex looks up at her, holding the needle from the IV in her fingers, clearly about to make a sarcastic comment until she freezes suddenly, and her response dies on her lips.

 

Her eyes zero in on Maggie’s neck.

 

“Alex?”

 

“You’re wearing it.”

 

Maggie’s hand automatically goes to the silver chain resting against her collarbone. Alex had bought them one each to wear their rings on in the field, and Maggie hasn’t taken it off since that day, despite not having anything to wear on it anymore.

 

“Let’s get you home.”

 

It’s hurts to shatter the moment, to watch Alex swallow whatever she was going to say, but Maggie knows that neither of them are equipped to handle any more confessions this morning.

 

“You don’t have to-”

 

“Yeah, I do.”

 

Maggie doesn’t realise Alex is that close until it’s almost too late, her lips just inches from her own. She crushes the primal instinct to close the gap between them, ducking her head to avoid doing something stupid. The feeling of Alex’s breath on her neck sends goosebumps crawling across her skin.

 

Her breath still smells of alcohol.

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

Alex is silent on the way home, gripping the edge of the seat hard enough that her knuckles are white with the effort. Maggie somehow manages to keep her eyes on the road, ignoring the persistent urge to look at the other woman. Luckily, things have never been truly _awkward_ between them, even after the first kiss, and now is no exception. In fact, Maggie finds herself wishing it was awkward, if only to ease the pain that comes from how _good_ this feels, how perfect.

 

Maggie’s own words come back to bite her in the ass, because nothing _has_ changed.

 

 

The apartment is almost exactly the same as Maggie remembers it.

 

The only change is that Alex has now has no food in her kitchen, and the pictures of them are gone. Part of Maggie wonders where they went, but she shoves the thought down, telling Alex to go to bed.

 

Alex’s phone rings when they get through the door, and Maggie would be grateful for the distraction, except Alex pales visibly at Kara’s smiling contact photo, a discernible wave of guilt passing over her features and nestling deep in her eyes. She lets it ring out.

 

Maggie knows better than to be surprised when the curtain billows out, the city’s resident Superhero standing in their – _Alex’s_ – kitchen.

 

“Alex, Winn said you discharged yourself! What were you thinking? Alex, I-”

 

Kara cuts herself off, her look of shock on her face almost comical.

 

“Maggie.”

 

“Supergirl.”

 

Remembering the task she’d set herself to keep busy, Maggie fills a glass with water, passing that and some aspirin to Alex in an effort to give them time to talk. Instead, a loaded silence hangs over the apartment, the tension palpable as Maggie shifts uneasily under Kara’s intense stare. Out of everyone in the group, Kara had been the only one not to reach out to Maggie after the break-up. It’s understandable, and like Maggie always said, Kara was always nice enough - it was always Supergirl she had a problem with.

 

“Kara, I’m tired, okay? Can we do this another time?” Alex sighs, shooting a grateful glance at Maggie when she switches the light off to alleviate her headache.

 

A siren interrupts whatever the younger Danvers woman had been about to say, and Kara grits her teeth.

 

“I’m checking on you in a few hours.”

 

Alex seems to deflate when Kara leaves, almost all the tension leaving her face.

 

“You want to talk,” she observes, exhaustion lining her face.

 

“Not yet,” Maggie replies, deciding honesty is the only thing that will get them through whatever this is, “just rest, Danvers.”

 

“I-”

 

“Just do me one favour?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Don’t apologise again.”

 

“For what?”

 

“All of it.”

 

Alex watches drowsily as Maggie move around the kitchen, and the familiarity of how normal, how _right_ this feels is bittersweet.

 

“I missed you, Mags,” Alex slurs, barely awake.

 

Maggie stops washing the dishes, a plate slipping from her hand and crashing into the sink. She swears under her breath, soapy water soaking into her shirt uncomfortably.

 

It’s then that her gaze lands on the orange material screwed up on the floor. Alex sighs softly in her sleep as Maggie picks it up, holding it out in front of her.

 

 _Hello Sunshine_.

 

Maggie fights the tears burning in the back of her eyes, clutching the shirt to her chest.

 

Alex finally looks calm as she sleeps, one arm slung over what used to be Maggie’s side of the bed.

 

“I love you too, Alex.”

 


	3. I can't live with or without you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time alone escalates an already tense situation, and things get more complicated between Alex and Maggie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry

It’s halfway through the afternoon when Alex opens her eyes again.

 

Maggie had guessed she’d be waking up soon, and the smell of coffee and familiarity drifts through the apartment as she moves around the kitchen. Alex sits up slowly, reaching for the glasses she only wears at home, only wears with Maggie, and slips them onto her face.

 

Maggie turns to face her, a tentative smile playing on her lips.

 

“Hey.”

 

“You stayed?” Alex blurts out, her hesitant joy quickly turning to regret when Maggie’s face falls.

 

“Is that okay?”

 

Alex nods jerkily, a blush creeping up her throat, and it almost feels like that first morning all over again.

 

 _Almost_.

 

But now, the orange shirt lies creased on the end of the bed, and the bleariness in Alex’s eyes is what’s left over from a hangover, not from sex.

 

“That’s… yeah.”

 

Maggie swallows painfully.

 

Alex walks the few paces to her kitchen, and Maggie smiles automatically as she nearly trips over on the stairs. She sits down on the chair beside Maggie, who puts her phone down quickly. Alex bites her lip, clearly wondering who she was talking to.

 

“Are you hungry?”

 

Alex grimaces at the thought of food, and Maggie rolls her eyes, worry eating away at her smile.

 

“Okay, let me rephrase that. When was the last time you ate?”

 

Alex’s eyes narrow slightly as she thinks, something Maggie hasn’t let herself miss.

 

“Maybe yesterday?”

 

Maggie roots around the kitchen is search of bread to make toast. Behind one of the cupboards, she pauses, her shoulders tense.

 

“Danvers?” she questions, holding up the crutches Alex has only been off for a few weeks.

 

Alex shrugs as if it doesn’t matter, and pain twists in Maggie’s gut.

 

“Would you believe me if I told you Reign snapped my tibia?”

 

Maggie’s jaw clenches in obvious anger. Alex’s chest tightens at her reaction, how she looks ready to fight anyone who would dare to hurt her, super strength or not.

 

“I’m okay, Mags,” Alex says softly, clearly recognising the haunted look in Maggie’s eyes from the hours spent holding each other in that tiny hospital bed after the tank.

 

“Right. I know,” she breathes, stepping back unconsciously, as if to distance herself from the warmth in Alex’s voice.

 

The painful silence stretches into minutes as Maggie pushes a plate towards Alex.

 

“Thank you,” Alex murmurs, never once looking way from Maggie’s eyes.

 

Maggie may be the detective, but it isn’t exactly difficult for Alex to pick up on the caution lacing every word, the restrained tenderness buried under the whole-hearted attempt at friendship.

 

If you could even call it that.

 

A few times as they eat, Maggie opens her mouth as if to say something, but each time, she stops herself. Alex jumps at the chance to wash the dishes, to distract herself, and Maggie can’t find the words to protest.

 

As Maggie dries the plates, she feels Alex’s eyes burning into her skin, and after a few seconds, Alex sighs, turning around to face her expectantly.

 

“You know, when you were kidnapped I didn’t sleep for the first two nights.”

 

Alex freezes, her eyes returning to Maggie’s face in confusion. Maggie’s eyes burn, tears welling there without her consent as Alex’s fingers immediately go to the raised line on her shoulder, the only physical reminder of that day.

 

“I told you I did because I didn’t want you to worry about me. You… you told me not to wait up for you the night before, so I didn’t, and then you just… you were gone, and even when you were home it still felt like you were going to disappear at any moment. Like if I blinked you’d be gone.”

 

“Mags-”

 

Maggie flinches at the sound of Alex’s nickname for her, and Alex lowers her eyes immediately at the other woman’s reaction.

 

“Some things just don’t change. It just feels so stupid, you know? We talked about everything, until suddenly we just _didn’t_.”

 

Alex nods slowly, running her hand through her hair as she picks up a glass, seemingly with the intent to wash it, but her hands remain still. Her knuckles turn white with the effort of gripping the glass that hard, and guilt twists in Maggie’s stomach when she notices Alex’s shoulders trembling.

 

“I’m going to get rid of the scotch,” Alex whispers, “That – I was stupid. You don’t have to worry.”

 

“Yeah, it was stupid,” Maggie agrees, trying to look anywhere except at the agent standing in front of her. Alex glances at her as the detective’s eyes are suddenly drawn to the little table by the door. The one where they’d finally left the rings, drunk on pain and still spiralling from the abruptness of how quickly everything went wrong.

 

And all the air leaves Maggie’s lungs in one go, because they’re still there. The rings are still there.

 

“I couldn’t get rid of them,” Alex explains, her voice strained as she looks down at Maggie with shining eyes, “I just, I still-”

 

“Don’t say it. _Please_ , don’t say it.”

 

Maggie’s voice comes out hoarse, agonisingly raw from the gaping hole left in her chest where Alex used to live.

 

“You don’t feel the same?” Alex whispers, nodding once as if to confirm the conclusion in her head.

 

With a jolt, Maggie is immediately thrust back into that moment in the bar, with Alex’s eyes on her lips and her fingers digging into her arm, spinning her around, her eyes vulnerable and too trusting, too full of hope.

 

Maggie’s hands ball into fists, her hand slamming into the counter, hard. Her heart thuds loudly in the now silent room, and Alex watches her cautiously, her expression completely unreadable.

 

She has a retort ready, her lips already parted to explain, but Alex leans forward suddenly, her warm hands gripping Maggie’s shoulders as she presses their lips together with so much force that Maggie tastes blood. The shock wears off quickly, and despite her intention to get the fuck out of this apartment and stop ruining both of their lives further, Maggie finds herself kissing Alex back just as hard.

 

As much as Maggie has missed this, the closeness of the intimacy with Alex, it feels like a break-up kiss, and it tastes like desperation and longing and regret. The room is spinning, and it feels like the end all over again.

 

The bastard child of a sob and a whine escapes Maggie’s lips as she pushes Alex off her, as gently as possible, her head spinning as if all the oxygen has been sucked out of the room.

 

“Of course I do. Of course I fucking love you, Danvers,” she spits, self-hatred boiling in her chest.

 

“So-”

 

Maggie cuts her off, anger still throbbing in her veins. Alex’s lips are swollen, her eyes glazed over slightly in a way that’s sort of numb and sort of inebriated, and suddenly Maggie can smell the whisky again, feel the burn of alcohol on Alex’s tongue, even knowing it isn’t there.

 

“So _nothing_ , Alex. There’s nothing left.”

 

Alex doesn’t deserve this. She’s being overly defensive and she hates herself for it with every cell in her body, yearning to kiss her gently and make everything okay. Alex opens her mouth to say something, and promptly shuts it again when the tears in Maggie’s eyes spill over, burning trails of agony into her cheeks.

 

The door opens at that moment, interrupting whatever Alex was about to say as Kara bustles into the room, bursting the bubble of tension in the room with a jarring abruptness.

 

“Is everything okay?”

 

Alex stays silent, and Maggie throws the dishtowel down on the counter with a lot more force than is necessary. Guilt wraps itself around her torso, tightening until it feels like she can’t breathe, her chest throbbing with the effort it takes to stop crying in front of her ex’s sister.

 

 _God, this is a whole new level of pathetic_ , _Sawyer,_ she scolds herself.

 

“I have to go.”

 

“Maggie, wait!”

 

“I’m sorry, okay? I just can’t.”

 

 

//

 

 

 

“What can I get you?”

 

Maggie is all too aware that M’Gann is currently on Mars, and yet seeing someone she doesn’t recognise behind the bar is still unnerving.

 

“Club soda, please.”

 

Her whole body yearns for relief, for something more potent to numb the tidal waves of grief and regret coursing through her veins, but somehow the idea of drinking away her sorrows seems distinctly more unappealing than it did yesterday, the smell of whisky on Alex’s breath still lingering in her mind.

 

The bartender pushes her glass towards her, looking down at her warily (Maggie’s mildly concerned about her career choice now, having only just noticed that the alien in front of her is at least seven feet tall). It’s the first time she’s made herself come back here in the last six months or so – the risk of running to Alex or Kara had been a little too high for her comfort, and she doesn’t appear to have the same reputation here anymore.

 

She ends up exactly where she used to sit, facing away from the pool tables. Maggie’s phone buzzes, and she glances at it, half hoping it’s her boss calling about a case – that would give her something to do, at least, something to distract herself – but then he’d told her on the phone this morning not to come in at all this week. Emotional trauma and all that bullshit.

 

Maggie had always been very private at work, as professional as humanly possible, but a missing photo frame on her desk and a suddenly empty ring finger are hard to miss for a bunch of detectives.

 

With a sigh, Maggie answers the call.

 

“Winn?”

 

“Oh thank god. Sorry. Are you okay?”

 

“You mean is Alex okay.”

 

“No.”

 

Oh. That’s… unexpected.

 

“I-I don’t know. I’m at the bar.”

 

“What a coincidence,” Winn’s voice is oddly high, one of his tells that he’s lying, and Maggie looks up to see him walking into the bar.

 

“You tracked my phone, Schott?” she asks dryly as he sits down opposite her.

 

“Are you angry?”

 

Frankly, she doesn’t have the energy to care.

 

“No.”

 

They sit in silence for a few minutes, until Maggie gives in under his concerned gaze.

 

“She kissed me.”

 

“Ah.”

 

“I love her.”

 

“I know.”

 

“She still loves me.”

 

“I know.”

 

Maggie sighs, downing the last of her drink and fighting the urge to get something stronger.

 

“What do you need?”

 

“Things to not be complicated. To want kids, maybe. That would be helpful.”

 

“Yeah, unfortunately, you can’t change how you feel.”

 

 “I don’t know why I’m here,” she admits, her head throbbing despite the dim lighting.

 

“You look rough.”

 

“Thanks. Not sleeping for two days will do that to you.”

 

“That’s it, I’m taking you home.”

 

“Harold.”

 

“What the fuck, Maggie?”

 

“I’m a lesbian. You’re not taking me anywhere.”

 

“Ugh, that is not what I meant and you know it.”

 

“But it’s fun to mess with you.”

 

“You’re delirious. And probably still better at pool than me.”

 

“Always, Schott. Always.”

 

 

//

 

 

 

Maggie wakes to three voicemails on her phone.

 

There’s a post-it stuck to her forehead, smudged handwriting informing her that Winn was called into work, but to call if she needs anything.

 

Rolling out of bed, Maggie makes herself some strong coffee before even thinking about listening to the messages. It’s too strong, in fact – she hadn’t been paying attention to the number of spoonfuls of coffee -  but it’s caffeine, and the threat of a stomach ulcer or something doesn’t seem very threatening right now.

 

Of course they’re all from Alex.

 

“Maggie, it’s me. You probably know that but I don’t know if you still have my number or whatever. Look, I know we… I messed up, okay? Or we both did. I don’t know. Just, please. Call me. We need to talk.”

 

The second one is longer.

 

“I’m sorry, that sounded bad – I don’t want to fight. It’s like three AM or something and I’m worried about you, okay? I know you’re probably asleep, and safe, and probably a lot happier without me, and I don’t really have the right to worry about you anyway, but I… I am. I don’t know if you’ll listen to this. Maybe you won’t. But you taught me to face the things I don’t like about myself and so I am. I want this to work, Mags, because I’ve tried and I… I don’t know how to live without you in my life, okay? I don’t know how to exist without you anymore. God, that sounds… shit, okay, I’m gonna go. Bye. I love you.”

 

Maggie’s throat closes up somewhere in the middle of Alex’s rambling, and she lets the third message start on its own.

 

“That was out of order. I’m sorry. You don’t have to… I’m sorry, Mags, but I'm not going to lie to you. I mean it.”


	4. what I need is for you to be sure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your favourite lesbians finally talk it out and we stop trying to break the angstometer (finally)

Alex picks up on the first ring.

 

“Sawyer.”

 

On the surface, Alex’s voice is composed, all Agent Danvers and none of the rambling woman leaving voicemails on her phone, but Maggie knows her too well not to hear the relief in her tone, almost surprise that Maggie is calling her back.

 

“You’re right. We should talk.”

 

Maggie can hear the Agent pacing up and down, and she imagines the nervous crinkle on Alex’s face.

 

“Yeah. I - yeah. Are you working today?”

 

“No. You’d better not be either, Danvers.”

 

Alex chuckles dryly, the sound of her footsteps pausing.

 

“Kara’s got me on bed rest. Fluids and bed rest.”

 

“Good. Tell her I said good luck with that.”

 

Alex _pffts_ adorably, and Maggie can’t help the smile growing wider on her face.

 

“It’s horrible, Mags,” she pauses, her voice lowering to a whisper, “she’s making me watch _musicals_.”

 

Maggie is sure Alex was less aggravated about a psychic alien attack.

 

“Do you realise how much money you could make from filming Supergirl singing?”

 

“And risk Pam finding out? Hell no.”

 

Pam had caught them enough times in the past, making bets on other agents at the DEO, and, well… other things.

 

“Understandable.”

 

“Look, Maggie, Kara’s following me around like a puppy - yes you _are_ , Kara, stop eavesdropping - can we meet at your place or something?”

 

Maggie stiffens. The apartment she’d moved into shortly after their break up is almost empty. She didn’t have a lot of stuff to begin with, even less after moving in with Alex, and having thrown herself into work with a vengeance over the last few months, most of her things are still unpacked, gathering dust in various boxes around the apartment. It doesn’t feel like home; really it’s just an overpriced room where Maggie sleeps, usually only after stumbling in from a night shift at seven AM.

 

“Mags?”

 

“Sorry, I was just... How about Noonan’s this afternoon?”

 

“That sounds nice,” Alex breathes, relief clear in her voice.

 

The silence hangs heavily in the air, thick with uncertainty, and Maggie squeezes her eyes shut to block it out.

 

“See you around, Danvers.”

 

Maggie regrets that immediately at the sound of Alex’s breath catching audibly on the other end of the call.

 

“Yeah. Bye, Maggie.”

 

Alex hangs up first.

 

 

//

 

 

Maggie takes her time getting ready. She decides to dry her hair for once, leaving it down like she used to, rather than pinning it out of the way like she does in the field. A little makeup can’t hurt, she decides, staring at her exhausted-looking reflection in the mirror.

 

A few minutes later, Maggie is still wearing a towel, with only half an hour until she’s meant to be meeting Alex. She swears under her breath, buttoning her favourite flannel and tucking it into her black work jeans. As she pulls a leather jacket on, her fingers brush the necklace resting just out of sight under her collar. She decides to leave it on.

 

It’s exactly one o’clock when Maggie pulls up outside Noonan’s on her bike. She spots Alex walking over to her, and the way her eyes darken as she takes in Maggie’s appearance is definitely an ego boost.

 

“You came.”

 

“Yeah. Can I buy you a drink?”

 

And suddenly it feels like they’re undercover and crashing the alien fight club all over again, with the accidental flirting and Alex’s lip caught between her teeth as Maggie tucks her helmet under her arm.

 

Alex rolls her eyes the same way she does with Kara, her smile warm but hesitant.

 

“How do you know I didn’t post that video? I could be a millionaire right now. I’m buying you a coffee, detective.”

 

Maggie can’t fight the grin on her face at Alex’s comment.

 

“It’s Sergeant, actually.”

 

Alex freezes, the teasing smile falling immediately from her face. Guilt flashes across her face.

 

“You’re running the science division?” Alex asks, her eyes wide, “that’s… that’s amazing, Mags.”

 

“Thanks. It’s not much compared to Deputy Director of the DEO but at least I get to order McConnell around now.”

 

“You’re a great cop and you know it. The NCPD’s lucky to have you.”

 

Maggie ducks her head, her cheeks burning from the compliment.

 

“We even upgraded our Easy-Bake Oven. Come on, Danvers.”

 

That draws a smile out of her, and relief floods Maggie’s chest at the sight.

 

They end up at one of the booths in a dimly lit corner of the restaurant. Alex is wearing a red shirt with a deep V-neck, the sleeves pushed up to reveal her toned forearms, and her hair is straight, almost like it was the first time they met. Maggie had found the suit from that day hiding in Alex’s closet when she was moving in, and the irony had been amusing to both of them.

 

“You cut your hair,” Maggie observes as Alex returns with two mugs.

 

Alex nods, taking a sip of her coffee.

 

“Easier to fight super powered serial killers that way.”

 

“Face to face with Reign…” Maggie breathes, trying to ignore the sick feeling in her stomach at the thought of Alex that close to the city’s latest killer, “that must have been something.”

 

Alex shakes her head, “I’m starting to think we’ll never bring her in.”

 

“If anyone will, it’s you,” Maggie smiles softly at her, resisting the urge to slip her hand into Alex’s, “If you can persuade the President to involve the science division, I’d be happy to-”

 

“No,” Alex says firmly, her nostrils flaring indignantly at the thought, “There’s no _way_ I’m letting you or your team anywhere near her.”

 

There’s a lump in Maggie’s throat, and she looks down at her hands, playing with the strap on her watch.

 

“Can I ask you something?”

 

Alex’s deer-in-headlights reaction fades quickly into an unreadable expression, the change clearly deliberate as Maggie surveys her carefully. Her back straightens into an almost military stance as she nods. “Of course.”

 

“Do you really think you could never have kids?” Maggie immediately backtracks at the pained expression on Alex’s face, “Not that it’s any of my business, really.”

 

They take each other in for a moment, the lunch-time rush of people gradually dying down around them.

 

“I don’t know,” Alex admits, glancing cautiously around to make sure no one can hear them, “But I know that while my life revolves around Kara and the DEO I just – it’s too dangerous.”

 

Maggie nods in understanding, all too aware that Alex can’t give up either of those things, at least not now.

 

“When I got to that age when my friends were having kids, and not by accident, I just couldn’t picture it. I just don’t see myself doing all that, you know, the gross stuff, but even the cute stuff. It sounds stupid – I’m responsible for a dozen officers lives every day but the idea of a kid relying on me is just… I’m just not built for it, or I guess, the whole settling down, family thing. I’m not right for it.”

 

Maggie trails off, shrugging as if any of it were that simple, but the softness in Alex’s eyes tells her she doesn’t buy it for a second.

 

When she’d called them tangible, called them _real_ , she’d meant it. It’s true even now, the connection between them as deep as it had ever been, their mutual respect and understanding never needing an explanation, never needing words.

 

“I want to have kids one day.”

 

Maggie’s jaw clenches, but she nods, letting Alex continue.

 

“But Maggie, I’ve tried – I _really_ tried - and I can’t live without you, and I mean that in the whole disgusting, clichéd, soulmates kind of way. I can’t imagine my life without you in it because I don’t know how to exist without you, and I don’t ever want to. I’m nothing without you, and I’m so sorry for that, because it’s completely unfair, and illogical, and I know that we shouldn’t be here, or we shouldn’t try, but I love you, Mags, and that has to mean _something_.”

 

The force of her words leaves Alex a little breathless, her skin flushed where her neck meets her shoulders. Maggie’s lips are still parted slightly in surprise, and Alex catches her eye, refusing to look away, passion burning brightly in her eyes.

 

Maggie has never been good at talking about herself, about her feelings, somehow managing to turn it around every time, focus everything on the other person - _almost_ always, because Alex Danvers has always been the exception to everything, right from the very beginning.

 

“I thought the romantic speeches were my thing,” Maggie murmurs, her chest suddenly tight with everything she’s been shoving down for months.

 

The attempt to lighten the mood clearly works, but even so, Maggie thanks every deity she doesn’t believe in for Alex’s honesty. Alex Danvers isn’t simple by any means – Maggie knows more than most people exactly how complex she is, but it’s not the first time she’s come to appreciate Alex’s directness – it’s one of the things she’d fallen in love with straight away.

 

“I want you, Alex. I want this, whatever _this_ is, but… we want different things.”

 

Maggie watches as conflicting emotions battle in Alex’s eyes, mirroring her own doubt exactly.

 

“I don’t know that I can have kids - now, or in two years, or in ten. But I know what my life is like without you in it, and I-I don’t want that, Mags. You showed me that life is too short to waste on regrets and what-ifs, and I regret what happened. I regret that we didn’t try.”

 

“I know that. I regret it too, but what’s left? I need to know that this is enough for you.”

 

That _I’m_ enough for you, is what Alex hears.

 

“Maggie,” Alex breathes, trying to hide her flinch at the double meaning.

 

A long silence falls over them, and Maggie takes a deep breath to ground herself, shifting almost uneasily under the intensity of Alex gaze. When she looks back, the agent’s eyes lower slightly to her lips, and Maggie watches as guilt draws Alex’s eyes back up to meet her own.

 

“I feel like I don’t have the right to ask this of you.”

 

Maggie’s head snaps up, a disagreement already about to fall from her lips when Alex interrupts.

 

“Wait, I know what you’re going to say, so just let me finish, okay?” Maggie nods, falling silent. “I love you, and for some reason, you lo… you feel the same way, but I don’t want to rush into things, because I can’t live with myself if I hurt you like that again.”

 

“My not wanting kids isn’t on you, Danvers.”

  
“Maybe, but I was the one who tried to convince myself you’d change your mind without actually talking to you first.”

 

“We’ve all done dumb things. At least you cared enough to ask me.”

 

Alex’s eyes narrow in irritation.

 

“Emily?”

 

Maggie’s brief silence confirms seems to confirm her suspicions, and Alex sighs.

 

“You don’t have to explain it to me. I know there are no guarantees, and I know that this could fall apart tomorrow, but I’m willing to take that risk. It’s us, Alex, and maybe we fucked up something huge and it backfired, but I can’t just let that destroy everything we had.”

 

 “No, I know. I just – I’m scared. It’s probably selfish, but I don’t know if I can live with myself if I hurt you, Mags.”

 

“So we take things slowly. Or we can be friends.”

 

“Friends who were engaged?” Alex raises an eyebrow, uncertainty painted across her face.

 

“Okay, fine. So we need to set some rules.”

 

“Rules? This is starting to sound like high school.”

 

Maggie rolls her eyes.

 

“Boundaries then. I mean, like when we talked about sex. What’s okay, what’s not.”

 

“Sex probably isn’t a good idea,” Alex says with mock disappointment. It’s quite obvious (to Maggie, at least) that it’s only half for show.

 

“See? That’s a start.”

 

“Do I need to make a list? I can do that.”

 

“Nerd.”

 

Alex actually looks offended for a fraction of a second, until Maggie grins at her. Hesitantly, Alex allows herself to return the smile, her ears turning slightly pink.

 

“Stop it.”

 

“Stop what?” Maggie asks, feigning innocence.

 

“Dimples. It’s… distracting.”

 

Maggie clears her throat, her own cheeks burning at Alex’s words.

 

“Back to the actual reason we’re here?”

 

“Sure.”

 

“So, rule one, no sex.”

 

“Obviously.”

 

Maggie notices the moment Alex’s freezes.

 

“You okay?”

 

“After we broke up I slept with someone on a different Earth,” Alex blurts, shame nestled deep in her eyes as she looks away. “I’m sorry.”

 

Maggie tries to ignore the tightness in her chest.

  
“We weren’t together, you don’t have to apologise. But you have to tell me about the other Earth later.”

 

Alex nods, still avoiding Maggie’s eyes.

 

“It was a one-night stand. It was just a distraction. Anyway, it’s a good idea. No sex.”

 

Maggie picks up the receipt from the coffee to write on, noticing the distracted look on Alex’s face. 

 

“I feel you thinking about it.”

 

“Nope. No. Absolutely not. That’s not the – anyway, you’re the non-baby-gay. Help me out here.”

 

“I don’t think you can call yourself a baby gay if you nearly got married to another woman.”

 

The _nearly_ hangs in the air like some kind of colourless toxin in Alex’s lab, and Maggie can feel it seeping into her lungs, threatening to draw the pain she’s pushing down so well out of her.

 

“There are rules for that too?”

 

“As someone who makes sure people follow rules for a living, could you maybe stop disregarding them?”

 

“Pfft. _Guidelines_.”

 

“Only you would call the law a guideline, Danvers. God, I forgot how much I hate feds,” Maggie says with a smirk.

 

“Get back to the point, Sawyer,” Alex growls.

 

“Fine, you got a pen?”

 

“And I’m the nerd?” Alex mumbles, pulling a biro out of her pocket.

 

Maggie turns the receipt over, blank side up. She’s infinitely grateful for Alex’s light-heartedness as a distraction from the heavy reality of their conversation, the terrified anticipation coiling in her stomach.

 

Alex leans closer to see what’s she’s writing, and Maggie feels instantly drunk on the familiar smell of her perfume. She shakes her head to dislodge the haze settling into her thoughts.

 

  1. _No sex._



Alex huffs, and Maggie underlines the word _no_ in response.

 

  1. _No sleepovers._



“Fair.”

 

  1. _Don’t get drunk together._



“Yeah, I see where you’re coming from there.”

 

“So she finally admits to being a horny drunk? Only took a year.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

“Nope.”

 

Alex grins.

 

“Can I add something?”

 

“Go ahead.”

 

The little crinkle between Alex’s eyebrows appears as she thinks, rolling the pen across her fingers.

 

There’s suddenly a lump in Maggie’s throat, and all thoughts of teasing Alex about her stereotypical doctor’s handwriting are forgotten.

 

“Alex-”

 

“I don’t mean we’re engaged or we have to be _together_ together, I just-”

 

“No, I get it. I – I want that too.”

 

Alex’s shoulders sag forward in relief.

 

“Is that everything?”

 

“I don’t think we need to write it down, but we could probably both work on talking. Like, properly.”

 

“So eloquent,” Maggie teases, “but you’re right.”

 

Alex glares at her for a second before seeing Maggie’s hesitant expression.

 

“What?”

 

“It doesn’t matter.”

 

“Hey, you can tell me anything, Mags.”

 

“I know. It’s just, can you let me know about missions at work? I hate sitting at work and not knowing if you’re safe or-”

 

“Of course. It’s the least I can do.”

 

Maggie finds herself distracted by Alex’s smile, and the interruption of her phone ringing is almost welcome.

 

“Sawyer.”

 

Alex watches curiously as Maggie’s mouth falls open in surprise, her dimples deepening as she smiles.

 

“Did a new bonsai shop open in town?”

 

“Shut up, Danvers. McConnell just arrested a perp we’ve been chasing for months.”

 

“That’s amazing!”

 

“I kind of have to go,” Maggie sighs.

 

Alex nods as Maggie shrugs on her jacket, her eyes lingering a little too long on Maggie’s face.

 

“Can I give you a hug?”

 

A smile spreads across the detective’s face as she nods. Alex pulls her in, and Maggie feels like it’s the first time she’s been able to breathe in months.

 

“Thank you for giving me a chance,” Alex murmurs into Maggie’s hair, squeezing her tighter for a moment before pulling back.

 

If Alex notices how close Maggie’s lips are to the corner of her mouth when she kisses her cheek, she doesn’t comment, but Alex’s cheeks are slightly pink when she pulls away.

 

“See you, Mags.”

 

Maggie feels Alex’s eyes on her as she walks away.

 

          


	5. drove all night (to get to you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's (slightly) less angst, a hell of a lot more fluff, and it's all just incredibly gay when Alex and Maggie find themselves thrown together for a road trip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I did that with the chapter title (sorry, and also I only watched the karaoke scene)
> 
> So here it is, the road trip AU within a post-breakup fic. I have completed my life goal of tropes.
> 
> Enjoy!

They’re nowhere.

 

At some point, Alex had rolled down a window, and the cool evening air rushes into the car, raising goosebumps across the bare skin of Maggie’s arms. She must have dozed off at some point, and the hazy warmth of something resembling sleep lingers, clouding her thoughts as she watches the woman in the driver’s seat.

 

The radio is on, Maggie observes, but the quiet murmuring from the speakers is too low for her to make out the words to whatever song is playing, especially over the rush of air through the window and the sound of Alex humming along to whatever pop song is playing.

 

Seconds stretch lazily into years as Maggie just watches her exist, allowing herself to drown in the heady rush of adoration she feels Alex, instead of struggling to keep afloat like every other moment she spends with the agent. It’s always been like this, and sometimes she’ll just sit and watch Alex Danvers do anything, neither of them having to speak, and the overpowering strength of what Maggie feels for her will hit her like a freight train.

 

But for some stupid, _stupid_ reason, she can’t bring herself to be afraid – in fact, she longs to pause this moment and live in it until the end of time.

 

But this is their escape, this is their freedom, and nothing lasts forever.

 

As she’d expected, Alex notices her after a few minutes, and lowers her eyes hurriedly, already blushing at having been caught humming of all things. Alex clears her throat, obviously hoping Maggie won’t notice the pink tinge to her cheeks.

 

She does. Of course she does.

 

“Hey,” Alex breathes softly, taking her eyes off the road for a second to look at her.

 

Maggie shifts in the passenger seat, reaching over to take Alex’s hand in hers, slowly enough that Alex has the opportunity to move away if she wants to. Instead, Alex sucks in a breath and lets it out slowly, meeting Maggie’s hand halfway and intertwining their fingers.

 

“What time is it?”

 

Alex glances at her watch, her expression unreadable.

 

“Nearly eight.”

 

Maggie raises an eyebrow in surprise.

 

“You let me sleep for two hours?”

 

Alex shrugs, “You needed it, Mags.”

 

Maggie falls silent, her mind reeling from the tenderness in Alex’s voice.

 

She’s is right, of course; Maggie has barely slept for more than three consecutive hours in weeks, and exhaustion is beginning to take its toll on her. The fact that Alex has picked up on this is more than a little painful.

 

Maggie distracts herself by looking out of the window, letting the warmth of the sunlight fall on her skin.

 

A sigh falls from Alex’s lips as the fuel light comes on, the meter inching dangerously close to empty. Alex hates driving. It’s something Maggie has always known about her - like how her favourite colour has been blue since she was a kid, like how her favourite brand of whisky is the same as Maggie’s own, like how Alex is always happiest after a session sparring with her sister. Nothing compares, apparently, to the exhilarating speed of a bike that’s all _you_ and none of the clunky government SUV that Alex loathes. Those little quirks had become second nature to her, and in Maggie’s professional opinion, knowing Alex Danvers is a privilege in itself.

 

“I’ll drive.”

 

Alex clearly wants to object if her frown is anything to go by – and it is, because she may be able to fool a polygraph and the president of the united states, but with Maggie she can’t do anything but tell the truth. She relents, however, and nods once, her hand warm in Maggie’s own.

 

Ten minutes pass slowly, and Alex takes a right turn to restock on fuel and snacks. Her eyes linger on Maggie after she cuts the engine, the orange warmth of the evening sky dancing on her skin, illuminating her silhouette in a way that’s almost ethereal. With another dizzying moment of introspection, Maggie finds herself somehow falling harder for the woman in front of her, something she hadn’t realised was possible after all this time.

 

“You’re so beautiful.”

 

The words travel from Maggie’s brain to her lips without her approval, and they’ve already registered with Alex before Maggie has time to process what she’d just said. She curses herself silently, expecting Alex to turn away, from her or at least look uncomfortable.

 

But Maggie can’t do anything except watch, and forget how to breathe, as Alex’s eyes travel languidly down her face, darting back up for half a second to check in, to look down into Maggie’s wide eyes and blown pupils, before her gaze settles on Maggie’s lips. Alex is so close now that Maggie feels her breath tickling her face.

 

“I love you,” Alex says simply, her voice just on the right side of rough, and lightning crackles down Maggie’s spine as Alex’s breath ghosts over her lips.

 

She still tastes like home.

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

 

_-8 hours earlier-_

 

 

 

Pam lets her in without a second thought, silently slipping a visitor’s pass into her hand.

 

She finds Alex upstairs in her lab, hunched over a microscope just like she usually is when there’s no immediate threat to the city or to her sister.

 

Which is why Maggie is slightly confused.

 

“Danvers?”

 

Maggie’s suspicions are confirmed when Alex turns around, irritation written all over her face.

 

“Oh,” Maggie swallows hard, “Okay. So you know?”

 

“If what you mean is do I know that Reign is out there _right now_ and I’m sitting in an empty room wearing a lab coat because apparently I need a babysitter? Yeah, I’m aware.”

 

Ouch. That stings a little. Maggie freezes, staying rooted to the spot as Alex turns back to her desk, her shoulders tensed.

 

“I want to be out there as much as you do,” Maggie assures her, “I’ve lost members of my team to her too, you know.”

 

Alex’s glances at her, and something in Maggie’s eyes must register with her because all the anger falls away, her face softening in understanding. She nods once, gesturing for Maggie to sit down on one of the stools.

 

“Sorry, I just-”

 

“I know. J’onn trusts you, Alex. He’s keeping you in because he needs his most trusted agent running everything.”

 

“I’m a field agent. I should be out there.”

 

“Yeah, but you’re also a double doctor and Supergirl’s sister. You’re a target, or you will be, at least.”

 

Unsurprisingly, Alex doesn’t look convinced, and Maggie’s half worried she’s going to go down to ignore J’onn’s orders and go downtown alone.

 

It wouldn’t be the first time.

 

Thankfully, Alex sits down next to her, even if it is with a melodramatic sigh.

 

“Let me guess. You got a cryptic message from an unknown number about a trip to the middle of nowhere?”

 

Maggie tilts her head to the side, nodding.

 

“That’s, um, exactly what happened… I feel like that wasn’t a guess.”

 

“J’onn realised it’s safer to use a burner phone than his own.”

 

“So I’m here to babysit you?”

 

Alex snorts.

 

“Sounds like it.”

 

“I can think of worse ways to spend a weekend,” Maggie offers.

 

Alex rolls her eyes, pulling off her gloves and scrunching them into a ball in her left hand. She throws them with a lot more force than is necessary onto the desk. Her aim, of course, is uncannily accurate considering that she’s right-handed, and they land perfectly next to her notebook.

 

“Where exactly is the middle of nowhere?”

 

“All I have is coordinates. I’m pretty sure it’s still in California.”

 

“Well, if we die, I’m going to kill you.”

 

“But… I’d be dead.”

 

“Whatever, Danvers,” she mumbles, and Alex rolls her eyes again as shrugs off her lab coat, leaving it on a hook behind the door.

 

“Come on, we have an adventure to go on, Sawyer. Something about an investigation.”

Maggie scoffs.

"If it was that important they'd have us in a helicopter."

 

Alex doesn't reply, but reaches for her hand, and there’s suddenly a lump in Maggie’s throat that won’t go away as she takes it. She lets Alex drag her down the corridor to the locker room, and pretends not to notice Alex’s eyes linger on the exact place against the showers when Pam had decided to come in at exactly the wrong time the last time Maggie was here.

 

Maggie is pulled abruptly from her daze when Alex starts stripping.

 

“Danvers-” she splutters, “what are you-”

 

Alex just grins at her, mischief dancing in her eyes.

 

“I’m getting changed,” she replies innocently, “aren’t we past that stage, Sawyer?”

 

They are. Maggie isn’t.

 

Maggie clears her throat, turning around and staring intently at the wall. It’s only then that her brain catches up with her, and she can’t get the image of the long pink line etched into Alex’s right leg out of her mind.

 

If she’d only been there that day, she could have…

 

“You good?” Alex wants to know, catching Maggie’s attention as she shoves her thigh holster into a bag to take with them – Maggie isn’t the slightest bit surprised to be honest.

 

“Of course.”

 

“We can drop by your apartment on the way.”

 

Maggie nods, mutely, her mind still stuck on Alex’s newest scar.

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

Alex agrees to wait in the car.

 

Maggie almost feels annoyed at having to be in her apartment, even if it’s only for five minutes. It’s an _apartment_ \- she insists on calling it, even in her head – not home. She’d left home behind for the first time at seventeen in favour of a new life at college, and for the second time, last November with a promise to see her around.

 

But this isn’t home; home is waiting for her outside.

 

Maggie shoves clothes into a bag without thinking twice about what she’s packing, and trying desperately not to think about how it felt to do the same thing with Alex’s guilt-ridden eyes burning holes in the back of her head.

 

She’s about to open the front door again when her eyes fall on a folded piece of paper lying on the counter. Maggie picks it up, sparing a glance at her watch before shoving the list in her pocket.

 

The old lady from next door greets her in the elevator, and it’s the most Maggie can manage to smile back weakly. Against her better judgement, Maggie finds herself holding the list again in her fingers, sucking in a breath as she unfolds it.

 

_Number 5: Exclusive._

 

_//_

 

 

“I miss my bike.”

 

After just ten minutes on the road, they’re already speeding, and Maggie had already been biting back a remark about the fact that one, she’s still a detective and legally required to uphold driving laws, _guidelines_ thought they may be, and two, that the speedometer was at eighty a few minutes ago, and Maggie doesn’t want to look at it again.

 

“Jesus, Danvers.”

 

Alex looks over at her, a half-smirk playing on her lips.

 

She slows down anyway.

 

They find a drive-through on the outskirts of the city that sells vegan burgers, and Maggie’s jaw clenches when Alex orders her go-to from memory.

 

They park facing away from the road, and eat outside, leaning against the front of the car. It’s almost warm, and the fresh air feels good on Maggie’s skin after spending so long in her office lately. It’s blissfully peaceful away from the usual rush of traffic in the city, and the near-silence is like a benediction, making Maggie feel acutely aware of just how overwhelming the rush of life in National City is.

 

“J’onn booked us a hotel room a few hours away,” Alex murmurs, as if sensing Maggie’s fatigue, “We’ll have to leave pretty early tomorrow to get there on time.”

 

“A few?” Maggie asks with a wry smile.

 

“Okay, three or four. Think of it as a road trip.”

 

Maggie smiles softly, melting into Alex’s side when the other woman shifts closer, her arm round Maggie’s shoulders.

 

 “I’ve missed this.”

 

Maggie nods, letting her head rest on Alex’s shoulder.

 

“Me too.”

 

Alex holds her hand as she pulls out of the car park, taking the fastest route out of the city.

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

 

_-Present-_

 

 

 

 

Maggie’s legs feel like lead as she stumbles through the doorway of their hotel room, prolonged exhaustion settling deep in her bones. Alex shuts the door behind them quietly, dumping her suitcase at the foot of one of the double beds.

 

Alex chuckles quietly when Maggie immediately crawls into bed, kicking off her shoes. There’s a short moment of silence as Alex roots around in her bag, searching for her charger.

 

“I need a shower.”

 

Maggie doesn’t move.

 

“Go and have one, then,” Alex raises an eyebrow at her.

 

“But I’m _tired_.”

 

“So go to sleep.”

 

“But I need a shower.”

 

Alex shakes her head slowly.

 

“You’re in a league of your own there, Sawyer.”

 

“Whatever.”

 

“You literally solve problems for a living. How are we having this conversation?”

 

Maggie may or may not have thrown a towel at her face on the way to the bathroom.

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

When Maggie emerges from the bathroom with her still-damp hair wrapped in a towel, Alex is sitting up in bed, reading one of her medical journals. When she sees Maggie, she closes the journal, pushing her glasses further up her nose.

 

“You look like you’re about to pass out on me, Sawyer, go to bed.”

 

If she’s being honest, the empty bed on the other side of the room looks extremely unappealing when Alex is right there in another overly large bed that’s _warm_.

 

Maggie shakes her head to rid herself of the inappropriate thoughts imposing on brain.

 

Alex smirks as if she can read her mind.

 

“Night, Mags.”

 

“Night, Danvers.”

 

The mattress is absurdly cold for the warmth of the room, and Maggie lies there in silence for what feels like hours.

 

In fact, it must have been a while, Maggie realises, when Alex’s even breaths stutter, and she jerks upright, breathing hard.

 

Maggie’s out of bed before she can second guess herself, already at Alex’s side.

 

“Nightmare?”

 

Alex’s eyes are pained as she nods, looking away quickly.

 

“I’m fine.”

 

Maggie’s stomach twists horribly, feeling like they’re both back at the DEO again, lying in the tiny hospital bed, holding each other through the night to keep the dreams of being trapped underwater at bay.

 

When Alex looks up at her again, there are tears sparkling in her eyes.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Hey, I’m here, Danvers, I’m not going anywhere.”

 

“Can you…”

 

Alex trails off, unable to put her request into words, but Maggie nods, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

 

Maggie pulls the duvet back over Alex’s trembling body, lying down next to her. Her legs tangling with Alex’s as she holds her closer, her arm resting over Alex’s stomach.

 

For the first time in months, Alex falls into a dreamless sleep, lying contented in Maggie’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All comments greatly appreciated (especially dinosaur related ones) ;)


	6. close your eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another rule is broken, and a dangerous situation escalates as Maggie starts to pull away. Lucy Lane makes a surprise visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's for you, pterodactyl (thank you for putting up with my screaming, @herdiamonds)
> 
>  
> 
> I'm so sorry.

For a secret agent, Alex isn’t exactly very good at being stealthy. Maggie’s eyes shoot open at the sound of her tripping over her own feet, and Alex gives her an awkward smile, gesturing to the tray in her hands.

 

“I got you breakfast.”  


Maggie groans, pulling the duvet over her face.

 

“It’s too _early_ ,” she mumbles, her voice muffled by the covers.

 

When Alex speaks, Maggie can hear the amusement in her voice.

 

“So you _don’t_ want coffee? What kind of cop are you?”

 

“Fine. I’m up,” Maggie insists, yawning as she accepts the paper cup of coffee.

 

Alex watches her as they eat, having already changed into a denim shirt and black jeans. It’s one of Maggie’s favourite outfits of hers, and part of her wants to think Alex is doing it on purpose. Alex takes out a pair of dark sunglasses, slipping them into her pocket, and Maggie has two immediate thoughts: the first being ‘god, that woman is _gay’_ , and the second, she says aloud.

 

“Ugh, you’re such a _fed_.”

 

Alex doesn’t smile. Her expression is distracted, almost vacant, and Maggie can feel the dread building up in her own chest.

 

“Hurry up and drink that,” Alex says, avoiding Maggie’s eyes in favour of unbuttoning and re-fastening the buttons on her sleeves.

 

The slight crinkle between Alex’s eyebrows makes it obvious – to Maggie at least – that something’s on her mind as they walk to the car. Alex slides into the driver’s seat, pausing for a moment before turning the keys in the ignition.

 

The silence weighs on Maggie heavily, thick with unspoken words as they speed down empty roads, the cool morning breeze picking up and drifting through the cracked windows. Maggie shifts almost uncomfortably under the intensity of Alex’s eyes with every stolen glance, but still, she remains silent for what feels like forever.

 

It’s almost a relief Alex finally gives in. _Almost_.

 

“Mags?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Thank you. For last night. I probably shouldn’t have asked that of you.”

 

Maggie shrugs, neither agreeing or disagreeing. Alex’s shoulders sag forwards, and Maggie’s throat is so dry that she couldn’t speak even if she wanted to.

 

And maybe last night they’d crossed a line, but Maggie would never have regretted that moment of intimacy, but it seems like Alex does – Maggie can _feel_ it – and the easiness between them from the night before seems to have disappeared.

 

Maggie plays with a loose thread on the end of her sleeve, wanting desperately to just kiss her, but it’s not that simple anymore. It’s been a long week, god, a long year, and all she wants is for something to just make sense, for something to be easy. It feels like nothing does anymore, and as Alex runs a hand restlessly through her hair, clearly just as on edge as Maggie is. Sometimes Maggie wonders if things will ever be simple again.

 

The window is pleasantly cool as she turns away, letting her forehead come to rest against the glass. Alex’s hand retreats, moving away from her own, and neither of them say anything for the best part of an hour.

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

There’s a song Maggie vaguely remembers from college playing on the radio, one she’s heard Alex play around the apartment, before, but Alex remains silent, her back so rigid against the seat that Maggie briefly wonders if she’s in pain.

 

With only miles of empty land surrounding them, Maggie feels like she’s a kid again, back in Nebraska, in the middle of nowhere. She squeezes her eyes shut in an attempt to stop thinking about her father, about how it left a bitter taste in her mouth now that maybe he’d had a point at the wedding shower. She’d been so proud to stand up and show him what she’d made of herself, even if it wasn’t for his validation, but now it seems like what she’d had with Alex was all a dream, some kind of twisted fantasy she’d made up in her head all those years ago, questioning whether she should write her name on the card or just her initials before leaving it in Eliza’s locker that day.

 

And even then Maggie never felt as unsure of herself as she does now, and that hurts like a knife to the chest, because it’s Alex, it’s _them_.

 

But Alex still doesn’t say anything, and the weight on Maggie’s chest feels like it’s about to crush her. To her relief, the silence is broken abruptly when her phone rings, and Alex pulls over to let her take the call, her lips pursed.

 

Maggie checks the caller ID: Winn. She walks a few paces away from the car before she answers the call.

 

“Maggie?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

Her voice sounds off, even to her, and she tries unsuccessfully to swallow the lump in her throat.

 

“You sound upset.”

 

Maggie ignores that, “you got something on the case? Alex won’t tell me anything except where we’re going,” she pauses, looking around at the emptiness surrounding her, “which, by the way, is the middle of fucking nowhere.”

 

Winn forces a laugh, and Maggie silently thanks him for trying.

 

“Yeah, well, we don’t know much about it either. I’m sending both of you the files now.”

 

It takes Maggie a moment to realise Winn can’t see her nodding.

 

“Thanks.”

 

“You sure you’re okay?”

 

“I don’t know. Look, I should get back.”

 

“Right. Just… Maggie?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Call me if you need anything. Anything at all. Got it?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Maggie hangs up, but doesn’t immediately go back to the car. She pulls her hair back into a ponytail, feeling sticky and irritated by the sudden warmth outside as the sun appears from behind a cloud.

 

 _Just ask her_ , she thinks, _you’ve done it before._

The knot in Maggie’s stomach twists uncomfortably.

 

 _And look at how that ended_.

 

When she gets back in the car, Alex breathes out a “hey” and Maggie wants to say it – the words are right there on her lips and she can taste them, can taste the bitterness of her own fear lingering on her tongue like the metallic tang of of blood.

 

But she doesn’t say “what are we doing”, and instead, she avoids Alex’s concerned gaze, shoving the pit of her dread in her stomach down further. Instead, what comes out is probably worse.

 

“We’ll be okay, right?”

 

The silence before Alex replies is so long that Maggie wonders if she’s even going to.

 

“I hope so, babe.”

 

Alex’s voice is scared, and longing burns horribly under Maggie’s skin at the pet name.

 

“You okay?” Alex asks, as if whether Maggie is or not could change the fact that they’re both a bit broken, and both entirely unwilling to stick to the rules that may be the only thing that’s going to save them.

 

The _rules_.

 

Suddenly, Maggie can feel the paper burning against her thigh from inside her pocket where it’s sitting, forgotten for hours now. Maybe that’s it - that’s what’s replaced the calmness of yesterday with the sudden, jarring feeling like they’re sprinting towards the edge of a cliff with no plan to stop and only a yearning for the adrenaline, for the rush pulsing through her veins at a hundred miles an hour, and fuck the consequences. Alex was always the impulsive one, the adrenaline junkie, but now Maggie can’t focus enough to back away from the intensity of Alex’s pull, like some kind of unearthly force dragging her in.

 

_What are we doing?_

She lists the rules in her mind, her fingernails biting into her palms as she crosses off the ones she’s broken already.

 

_No sex._

 

_No sleepovers._

 

At least that one was out of necessity, Maggie reasons, guilt already burning under her skin. Cuddling was definitely a line they definitely shouldn’t have crossed, no matter how good it felt, how right.

 

 _Don’t get drunk together_.

 

That just reminds Maggie how much she wants a distraction. She winces at the memory of Alex in the that hospital bed just days ago.

 

 _Exclusive_.

 

That, she can do.

 

Maybe it’s not so bad. There’s still time. A moment passes as Maggie tries to think about anything else. Wait. That’s only four.

 

Oh. _Oh._

She hadn’t given rule number four a second thought until now, and it almost feels like it’s too late, the cliff’s edge suddenly inches away from her feet.

 

  1. _Tell each other the truth._



Maggie swallows painfully, a dull throbbing making itself known in the base of her skull.

 

“Mags?”

 

Alex’s voice cuts through her spiral into dread, and Maggie turns to look at her, her jaw clenched.

 

“No.”

 

“Ma-”

 

“Please. Just drive.”

 

Maggie can see the conflict in Alex’s eyes, and it hurts to watch because Alex is so obviously wondering how the fuck this is going to end just as much as she is.

 

“I love you,” Alex whispers, hoping desperately that it changes something, makes it easier.

 

It doesn’t.

 

“I know.”

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

She briefs Alex on the case as soon as they have signal, grateful for something work-related to pour her attention into. Maggie skims over the information Winn sent her, her head aching when the first word she sees is ‘Cadmus’.

 

With the invasion and the latest threat of the Worldkillers, Cadmus had been pushed to the bottom of the DEO’s List of Major Concerns. Maggie can’t help but think that J’onn should at least have had the decency to warn her, considering how Alex usually reacts to anything Cadmus-related.

 

Well, really it’s anything Jeremiah-related.

 

Maggie sees the moment Alex’s expression goes from pain at the mention of the organisation to pure focus, as she nods once to tell Maggie to continue. Cadmus is a touchy subject – Maggie knows from experience – but she has the feeling that it’s not her place to push anymore.

 

“The local cops mentioned something to the DEO’s joint taskforce about a warehouse two days ago, and… apparently they asked specifically for you.”

 

Maggie raises an eyebrow in question at the side note.

 

Alex huffs.

 

“Lane,” she mutters, glowering.

 

“As in _Lucy_ Lane?”

 

“Yep.”

 

Maggie has never met the woman, but Alex had always spoken highly of her. Perhaps a little too highly at times, and Maggie had laughed because how in the multiverse was any of that considered heterosexual behaviour? But then, Alex had drunkenly told her something about treason and handcuffs (Maggie had been too shocked to make a joke there) and Maggie is more than a little intrigued by the woman if she’s being honest.

 

The look on Alex’s face makes it clear that Maggie isn’t the only one thinking about the fact that Lucy was the first person they wrote on the guest list for their wedding. Maggie’s head starts pounding as she rereads the email in attempt to distract herself.

 

“Why’s it always a warehouse?” she wonders aloud, “It’s like they’re trying to be something out of a comic book.”

 

Alex exhales slowly, keeping her eyes fixed on the road.

 

“How long-”

 

“Maggie Sawyer, if you ask me when we’re going to get there I will _kill_ you.”

 

Maggie shoots her a glare, which doesn’t last for longer than a second when she sees the tension lining Alex’s face. Her own pain, she can handle, but there’s something about the helplessness she feels knowing that Alex is in pain, and not only can she not do anything about it, but she feels like if anyone deserves to comfort Alex, it’s not her.

 

“So we’re investigating an old Cadmus base?”

 

“Seems like it.”

 

“Has Lane’s team investigated the crime scene yet?”

 

“No. She’s waiting for us.”

 

 

Maggie’s headache is getting worse, and the sudden flashes of light from the glowing streetlights aren’t exactly pleasant.

 

“Are you hungry?” Alex asks as they pass another diner.

 

Frankly, Maggie can’t stomach the thought of eating right now, but she nods anyway, already planning to get Alex to eat something remotely healthy for once.

 

“Sure.”

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

Maggie successfully persuades Alex to eat salad, even if it is only a few mouthfuls, which honestly, she’s pretty proud of; the woman is more like her sister than she seems to realise. In that respect, at least.

 

As they eat – well, as Alex eats and Maggie talks about a case back home – Maggie notices that the waitress keeps glancing at them from across the room. Immediately, Maggie’s on guard, ready for anything, because something about working with the Danvers sisters apparently makes you forget that sometimes people are just that – normal people.

 

“Is everything alright here?” the waitress wants to know for the second time.

 

Maggie swallows her retort, reminding herself that not everyone who does a double take is like the many raging homophobes back in Blue Springs. This is California, she reasons, not the middle of who the fuck cares, Nebraska.

 

“Fine, thank you.”

 

When Alex insists on paying the bill, the waitress lingers.

 

“Something I can help you with?” Maggie asks, politely.

 

“Oh, I’m sorry. You two are just a really cute couple.”

 

 _Oh._ Maggie almost kicks herself. The waitress isn’t a closeted homophobe – quite the opposite from the bashful grin on her face. Maggie raises her eyes to meet Alex’s, and the brief flash of hurt on Alex’s face is quickly replaced by a tight smile.

 

“Thank you.”

 

The fact that Alex doesn’t correct her stings a little, but Maggie convinces herself that she’s content to play pretend for Alex – _with_ Alex- for now. The logical part of her brain screams something about timing and how on earth this could possibly work back home, where things are real. Surprising herself, Maggie realises that as much as she doesn’t want to spend this much time in her head with little to distract her from the pressing issue of their relationship – whatever it is – she also knows that the minute they get back to the city, reality will hit her like a tonne of bricks.

 

“Come on, Danvers. I’ll drive.”

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

 

When they finally pull up outside the second hotel, Maggie’s headache has become a full on migraine. Her fingertips are tingling, and all she wants to do is go to bed, but they have to walk to the hotel room first. A wave of nausea hits her out of nowhere as Alex grabs their bags, and she squeezes her eyes shut, waiting for it to pass.

 

Alex’s hands are suddenly on her, gripping her arm tightly, supporting most of her weight.

 

“Maggie?”

 

Her voice is soft, and the feeling of her breath against Maggie’s skin is electric. Maggie shudders, and it’s not from the headache.

 

To Maggie’s relief, the elevator is dark, but even so, she can practically feel the intensity of Alex’s eyes burning into her skin as she closes her eyes. The hotel room turns out to be larger than the last one, and nicer, too. Alex presses a glass of water into her hand as she comes out of the bathroom, leaning against the doorway.

 

“You’re pushing me away. Why?”

 

Maggie’s heart skips a beat, and she takes a sip of the water to buy herself some time. Alex’s jaw is set into a hard line, and she rubs the back of her neck.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Alex’s face falls, guilt blazing hard in her eyes.

 

“I didn’t mean –. If this is too much… I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to.”

 

“I want _you_.”

 

Alex winces at that, at the break in Maggie’s voice, and takes a step back, as if trying to distance herself.

 

“I want you too.”

 

There’s a beat of silence, and Maggie’s stomach lurches.

 

“I don’t know if that’s enough,” Maggie whispers, tears stinging the backs of her eyes.

 

“But there’s a chance?” Alex folds her arms across her chest defensively, and Maggie wants to reach out to her, but she knows it will only make things harder.

 

Maggie doesn’t trust herself enough to speak, but she nods, because it’s true, and it’s _Alex_ , who she’d die for in a moment if that’s what she needed.

 

Alex shuts the bathroom door, and Maggie climbs into bed, listening to the sound of the shower running in the background. When Alex emerges, Maggie can’t help but notice the redness around Alex’s eyes.

 

“Night, Alex.”

 

Alex doesn’t reply.

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

They meet Lucy at the local precinct the next morning. She’s wearing a military uniform – even the damn cap – and Maggie doesn’t fail to notice how long her eyes linger on both of them when they greet her.

 

“Alex Danvers. It’s been, what? Two weeks since your last confession?”

 

“Confession?”

 

“Shut the fuck up, Lane,” Alex says, pulling the shorter woman into a tight hug anyway.

 

“Let me guess, National City isn’t the same without me?”

 

“You wish.”

 

“Don’t lie to me, Danvers, I should have been your gay awakening and you know it.”

 

The smirk on Lucy’s face is the perfect contrast to the death glare Alex is giving her, and Maggie stands awkwardly in the middle.

 

“I believe that credit goes to me,” Maggie interjects as Lucy turns back to her.

 

“So I’ve heard.”

 

Lucy gives her a look that means she’s heard a lot more than just that.

 

“It’s good to see you, Luce,” Alex mumbles, blushing slightly.

 

All they know about the Cadmus base is that it’s definitely abandoned, and it’s only unlikely that there’s an immediate threat lurking within. However, Alex reminds them, this is Cadmus, and it’s best not to make any assumptions in a case involving a Luthor.

 

Lucy shoves weapons and bullet proof vests at them, because “no lesbians die on my watch” and Alex tucks her alien gun one of her thigh holsters as Lucy watches with a proud grin.

 

“That’s my girl, Danvers.”

 

Alex shakes her head, her eyes dragging over Maggie’s body, checking for any flaws in the excessive amount of body armour she’s been forced into wearing.

 

“Let’s get this over with.”

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

Alex, being as extra as she is, kicks the door down instead of just picking the lock. It lands with a crash that almost makes Maggie jump, and a cloud of dust billows out around them.

 

Maggie squints, trying to make out her surroundings; it’s almost black. Someone flicks a flashlight on, and Alex motions for them to move forward, the light shining on a chain that stretches a few meters from the back wall to where it sits on the ground. Alex’s light lands on a pair of handcuffs sitting on a cabinet.

 

_Hostage._

Maggie’s heart jumps into her throat at the brief flash of terror on Alex’s face, and she immediately knows exactly which Cadmus hostage is on her mind.

 

The team splits up to secure the perimeter of the warehouse, and Lucy calls for a team to sweep the place for bugs and fingerprints, and Maggie had intended to follow, until Alex reaches for her forearm, gripping it tightly as she eyes the row of unmarked test tubes to their right.

 

“Stay with me.”

 

It sounds more like a plea than an order, despite Alex being in charge of the mission, and Maggie nods once, waiting for Alex to continue.

 

It’s cold in here, a stark contrast to the heatwave going on outside, and the way their footsteps echo around the hollow walls raises goosebumps on the back of Maggie’s neck. She tries not to shudder.

 

Alex steps forward, the _clunk_ of her gun against the holster cutting through the silence abruptly, and Maggie’s heart stops for a second as the sound echoes unnervingly against the walls.

 

“Sorry,” Alex mutters.

 

“Wait, Danvers. Look.”

 

Alex’s eyes follow Maggie’s to the unlabelled box sitting on one of the desks, and her eyes harden. Maggie’s chest tightens at the moment Alex disappears and Agent Danvers takes over.

 

She pulls out a knife, slicing through the material like it’s an envelope.

 

“Alex, stop!”

 

The agent doesn’t even turn to look at her.

 

“It could be a bomb.”

 

If Maggie didn’t know better, she’d think Alex doesn’t care.

 

“Fall back, Sawyer.”

 

Maggie’s pulse thuds loudly in her ears as she steps away, fully aware that Alex would be deaf to any protest at this point. Relief surges through her with a force that leaves her legs trembling when Alex pulls out a stack of papers instead of a grenade or some kind of deadly virus.

 

A moment of silence passes agonisingly slowly, and Maggie can’t shake the feeling that they’re being watched. It’s like she’s backs in Eliza’s basement again, fourteen years old and pretending she’s not afraid of the jump scare she knows is just around the corner. Dread gnaws deep in her gut as she waits.

 

All the air leaves Alex’s lungs in a sudden hiss of shock, and her knife clatters to the ground with a crash that jolts Maggie out her daze. She grips Alex’s shoulder, realising all at once that firstly, she’s shaking, hard, secondly, the report in Alex’s hands is titled _‘Jeremiah Danvers’_ and finally, that the address of his containment is _this_ address. Alex jabs the bottom of the page, her hands trembling enough that she almost drops it in the process.

 

“He was _here_.”

 

“Alex-”

 

“It’s dated last week,” Alex swallows, her voice strained with the effort of holding back tears, “he was here a few _days_ ago.”

 

She spits out the last part like it left a bad taste in her mouth, and Maggie has to catch her as she folds in on herself, gasping.

 

“I should’ve-”

 

“Look at me.”

 

Maggie cups Alex’s face, listening to the harshness of Alex’s breaths. Her eyes are tortured, agony bubbling just beneath the surface and threatening to spill over and kill them all.

 

“You couldn’t have known.”

 

Alex jerks away from her like she’s been burned, her chest heaving. Her eyes are dark and infinitely dangerous as she backs away.

 

“Bullshit.”

 

And then she’s gone.

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

Maggie’s fist slams into the wall, her knuckles already bruised from the last few attempts to distract herself.

 

“Stop.”

 

Lucy grabs her by the wrist with surprising strength, and Maggie freezes at the concern in her eyes.

 

“Go back to the hotel. Wait her out. We both know she can’t stay away from you for long.”

 

“I let her go.”

 

“She’ll be back. Even if you wanted her to stay away she couldn’t.”

 

Maggie hates to admit it, but she’s right. She nods once, grabbing Alex’s abandoned gun and tucking it into her belt. Lucy rolls her eyes at her as she lets the door slam on her way out, the air outside almost stifling in the heat.

 

It’s a short walk back to the hotel, and Maggie finds herself almost wanting to call Kara to locate Alex, but truthfully, she knows better than to involve the superhero unless it’s absolutely necessary.

 

That, and the fact that Alex would kill her.

 

Maggie splashes cold water on her face, on the back of her neck, trying to regain some semblance of calm. Adrenaline slides sluggishly through her veins, slowed by the distance between her and the Cadmus base.

 

She wonders briefly if she should call J’onn instead, her mind spiralling at the helplessness of it all, the fact that she can’t _do_ anything but sit it out. Alex and Cadmus never mix well, much less Alex and her father’s antics – or lack thereof – and the logical part of her brain knows that it’s better to just wait, to take shelter from the storm and wait for her to come home.

 

The sound of the key turning in the lock startles her, and Maggie immediately reaches for her gun. 

 

Alex. It’s Alex.

 

The agent hovers in the doorway, her hardened expression faltering for a fraction of a second at Maggie’s sigh of relief.

 

“I need you.”

 

Her voice isn’t soft or gentle like Maggie’s used to, it’s hard and desperate and pained. Alex inches close, and Maggie catches sight of her pupils, blown wide with danger and arousal in equal parts. Her lips are swollen like she’s been biting them, and the gravity between them sends a shock of _feeling_ down Maggie’s spine, electricity crackling in her veins.

 

The way Alex is looking at her has some degree of tenderness, but it’s masked exceptionally well by her façade, her pretence that this is okay. Maggie is reminded with a jolt that Alex is not the sweet, loving baby gay she often seems to be, and that she’s equally not the cold, badass agent who could kill you with her index finger without breaking a sweat.

 

No. Alexandra Danvers is perfectly, incredibly, both of those things and neither all at once.

 

“We shouldn’t,” Maggie breathes, feeling her skin burning under Alex’s intoxicating gaze.

 

It’s a weak attempt to prevent the inevitable, and Maggie doesn’t think she could stop even if she wanted to. Alex stares unapologetically at her lips, dragging them up almost painfully to meet Maggie’s eyes.

 

“I don’t care.”

 

In the end, Maggie’s the one who closes the gap between them, and before either of them can breathe, Alex’s mouth is on hers. Part of Maggie registers the urgency to Alex’s movements, how her hand is already slipping under the material of Maggie’s shirt, how she tastes of adrenaline and danger, but the desire burning low in her stomach wins out as Alex drags blunt nails down her back, arching into the kiss.

 

Alex gasps into the kiss as Maggie pushes her up against the wall, grabbing Alex’s wrists and holding them above her head. Alex’s eyes are almost black as she looks down at Maggie.

 

“You’re mine.”

 

Maggie holds her still for a second longer before releasing Alex’s wrists.

 

The whine that falls from Alex’s lips is all the confirmation Maggie needs, and Alex’s fingers find the top button of her shirt, giving up quickly on unfastening it and ripping the material with shocking ease, murmuring “inconvenience” against Maggie’s jaw.

 

At some point, Alex flips them around, and that’s when Maggie lets go of the dread coursing through her veins, letting the hot rush of adrenaline take over completely.

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

Alex is asleep.

 

Maggie opens her eyes slowly, reluctantly, and rolls out of bed as quickly as possible, covering Alex with the duvet. Her muscles protest at the sudden movement, but she ignores the throb of pain, pulling on her clothes hastily, not giving herself time to think.

 

One look in the mirror alerts her to the red marks littering the side of her neck, and her lips are still swollen. She runs a hand through her tousled hair, trying to tame it, but giving up just as quickly.

 

Maggie spares a last glance at Alex before leaving, an apology begging to fall from her lips.

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

Her phone is ringing, and Maggie answers it without checking the caller ID.

 

“Winn, I’m not in the fucking mood-”

 

“It’s me.”

 

The unmistakable alarm in Lucy’s voice catches her attention, still slightly hazy from the effect of alcohol.

 

“Is Alex okay?”

 

There’s silence, and nausea spikes in Maggie’s chest.

 

“Just get here, now.”

 

“ _Lane_.”

 

 “I-I don’t know what this is. J’onn said something about… but I didn’t know that it could-”

 

“What the fuck is wrong with her?”

 

Maggie’s already outside, already on her way to the base.

 

“They’re calling it a Black Mercy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think :D


	7. for the girl who has nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The race to save Alex is on, featuring Eliza Danvers and a whole lot of tension between the women who love Alex the most.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy :D

She’s alive.

 

Alive, but lying motionless on a table with that…. _thing_ on top of her chest, practically crushing her with the sheer weight of it. She’s far from okay, but she’s alive. Maggie struggles to hold onto that thought as she reaches for Alex’s hand, listening to Kara and J’onn arguing outside.

 

Alex is breathing – she can see the steady rise and fall of her body as it fights against the parasite – but Maggie just _can’t_. There’s a list of priorities being written somewhere in the back of her mind, and breathing? Breathing isn’t even on it right now.

 

 _Don’t look at her_ , she tells herself, but does it anyway. Acid burns in the back of her throat, ready and waiting to choke her the moment she loses her grip, and Maggie thinks that maybe she already has, because Alex’s skin is so pale it’s virtually translucent, and _cold_. It seems like the parasite is draining the life from Alex’s body exponentially, dragging the fierce vitality that’s so simply _Alex_ out from under her.

 

Maggie has managed to convince herself lately that she’d been able to let go of the trauma from the sight of Alex floating in that tank, from the burning feeling in her own chest at the knowledge that they’d been mere seconds away from being too late to save her, but even so, the unnatural coldness of Alex’s hand in hers brings back the crushing, paralysing dread with a vengeance, and it mirrors the creature wrapped around Alex’s body right in front of her.

 

The sound of the door opening makes Maggie jump, and she tears her eyes away from Alex’s face to look up at Kara and Lucy. J’onn follows behind them, wearing a serious expression that matches Lucy’s own steely determination. Kara is hiding her panic behind her stoic Supergirl expression, the perfect display of justice and superiority in the face of a monster. Maggie wishes she had something to hide behind, a cape to fling around her shoulders and a symbol on her chest to justify it all.

 

Lucy’s hand is on her shoulder, she realises, but Maggie is frozen, still gripping Alex’s hand like it’s the only thing tethering her to the Earth.  Which, from the way Kara is avoiding looking directly at her, it might be.

 

“Detective.”

 

It almost hurts that J’onn addresses her so formally, as if even he has discarded her, leaving behind what feels like only bleak professionalism and the attempt to understand why she’s clinging to Alex’s lifeless body like it’s a drowning victim to a raft. _Read my mind,_ she thinks, because privacy isn’t something that even crosses her mind, and she loves her, dammit.

 

Her whole body has been so tense for so long now that every tiny movement feels stiff and awkward, like someone poured cement inside her limbs, but she forces her body into an upright position, remaining in her spot between Lucy and Alex.

 

“Just,” she swallows, gritting her teeth against the nausea twisting in her stomach, “just tell me. Please.”

 

Lucy’s grip on her shoulder tightens in a reassuring squeeze, and Maggie thanks her silently for keeping her grounded.

 

“It’s the same species of alien parasite I was attacked by a while ago,” Kara tells her, “a Black Mercy.”

 

“It’s trapping Alex in her own mind, right?” Maggie asks, “she mentioned it. Before.”

 

Kara grimaces, shifting her weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other.

 

J’onn clears his throat, “Yes, Maggie. But it’s a little more complex than that, unfortunately.”

 

“Complex how?”

 

“Alex is experiencing a fantasy which she believes to be reality. Her ideal world. Perfection, whatever that is to her, is what she’s trapped in.”

 

“H-how do we get her out?”

 

Lucy glances from the screen monitoring Alex’s vitals to Maggie’s face. “Removing it by force is not only impossible, but it would kill her.”

 

Maggie catches sight of the twisted piece of metal and padded material in J’onn’s hands – something resembling a headset. On impulse, she almost snatches it out of his hands, desperate for a way to get to her, but reconsiders the idea when he starts to explain.

 

“The only way to save Alex is, well, Alex. She has to consciously reject the fantasy herself. We have the technology for one of you to... attempt to convince her that it isn’t real. In basic terms, you enter Alex’s mind and engage in the same hallucination she’s experiencing.”

 

Maggie stares at him, her eyes wide.

 

“How do you convince someone that their happiness isn’t real?” she whispers faintly, her fingers itching to tear the thing from J’onn’s hands and throw herself into whatever’s happening in Alex’s mind without a second thought.

 

Kara’s jaw clenches into an unforgiving line as she steps forward towards Maggie, her arm outstretched as if to touch her, but she reconsiders the decision, drawing her hand back awkwardly and standing with her hands on her hips like this is just another day on the job. It’s _not._ She’s terrified, that much is clear, and Kara is like a child in many ways, but Maggie knows better than anyone, including Alex in all likelihood, just how dangerous that childishness can be, especially when it comes to the woman they both love.

 

“Maggie, I was in Alex’s position once and I _only_ made it because of her. I have to do this for her.”

 

The juvenile fear in Kara’s eyes clashes horribly with the _‘step aside, ma’am’_ superiority complex that’s bitingly obvious as she towers over Maggie, and the detective feels the anger boiling under her skin. She doesn’t hate Kara – even if she’d wanted to, she can’t deny that the woman is genuinely good, and loves Alex with an awe-inspiring fierceness that only succeeds in mirroring her own feelings, but deep down Maggie knows that behind the superhero front is a traumatised child who can’t understand that some people are just _bad_ and sometimes there are no happy endings.

 

“I love her, Kara. I can’t just sit here!” Maggie chokes out, and she means it, _God_ , of course she does, but what she really wants Kara to understand is exactly what she told her before, with bits of smashed laptop dusting her hands and adrenaline still rushing through her veins.

 

_I have just as much to lose as you._

And maybe that’s not even true, part of her whispers, because Kara has a hundred people who love her, and she loves them too, and maybe Alex is her world, but there are other planets in her solar system. Maggie is alone. Always has been. It’s disgustingly selfish, Maggie thinks, but part of her wants to scream that Kara has everything and Maggie has Alex.

 

 _Had_ Alex.

 

Instead, what comes out of her mouth is a choked “please” and a desperate glance at J’onn, and none of them are saying anything, and Maggie can’t breathe. The walls are closing in, and Lucy is grabbing her hand and holding her like she cares, which Maggie would be confused about if she wasn’t so broken.

 

Kara’s eyes dart awkwardly to Maggie’s neck, which she’d forgotten about until now, and then to Alex, and guilt rushes through Maggie’s body with a force that leaves her breathless. The primal instinct to _get out_ takes over, and she struggles against Lucy’s grip, unsure of what she’s even trying to do.

 

Lucy releases her, and the claustrophobia lessens, but by the time Maggie can breathe again without almost dry-heaving, Kara is already slipping the thing onto her head, an expression of concentration and something that looks too much like relief to make any sense on her face as she lies down, thankfully out of Maggie’s sight.

 

The door slams loudly when Maggie shoves Lucy away, a desperate need to escapedragging her down into a messy spiral of guilt and horror. She shoulders her way through a group of uniformed agents without blinking, and her chest aches with the effort of trying to gulp down enough air when she makes it through a random door, ending up in a bathroom. Her eyes burn with tears as she clutches at the sink, fighting to keep some kind of grip on reality as anguish threatens to swallow her whole.

 

It’s almost ironic, and entirely excruciating, that Alex is in a fake paradise while Maggie is living out her own nightmare, all in the same building. It’s then, with that thought and the sight of the painfully obvious bruises on the side of her neck, that she gives in, sobs wracking her chest and ripping through her with a force that rivals the agony of watching Alex through that little screen and wishing more than anything that she was the one on the brink of death instead.

 

Like Alex said, nothing has changed, and maybe nothing ever will. In Maggie’s all-too-experienced opinion, that’s indisputably bad.

 

Someone is knocking on the door.

 

Maggie splashes cold water on her face, on the back of her neck, and hopes to God that they go away. It’s probably Lucy, she reasons, looking out for her because of Alex. To Maggie’s shock, the woman who greets her with a weak smile when she opens the door is none other than Eliza Danvers.

 

“Maggie,” she murmurs, holding her arms out, and Maggie sort of hates herself for immediately falling into her almost-mother-in-law’s embrace.

 

“She – I wasn’t there, I should’ve-”

 

Eliza shushes her, stroking her hair soothingly like she’s comforting a child, and Maggie immediately has a mental image of Alex comforting her own child in exactly the same way.

 

“You did nothing wrong, Maggie. This is not your fault, I need you to understand that.”

 

Maggie lets her kick some random people out of a conference room and push her gently into a seat with a cup of water that has seemingly materialised out of nowhere.

 

“Did you see the… thing?”

 

Eliza nods painfully, clasping Maggie’s hands in her own.

 

“You wanted to go instead of Kara,” she observes, her eyes soft as she looks down at Maggie with a tenderness that makes Maggie feel like she’s standing on her Aunt’s doorstep again and praying to the God her parents couldn’t make her believe in that she won’t be spending the night on the street.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“She said no?”

 

Eliza doesn’t seem at all surprised, maybe even a little apologetic.

 

“Not even that. She just went ahead and did it.”

 

Sighing, Eliza glances through the doorway to the room where both her daughters lie unconscious. Maggie freezes, realising that yes, she had said that out loud, and yes, the person she’d said it out loud to is Eliza.

 

“I’m sorry, I-”

 

“It’s fine, Maggie.”

 

There’s a pause as Maggie pulls her hair back to cover the right side of her neck, triggering a sudden burst of feeling as she remembers the gentle tug of Alex’s fingers tangling in her hair just hours ago. She wonders briefly if Eliza notices, her hands curling tightly into fists.

 

“Alex called me right before she went back to the warehouse,” Eliza admits, “I begged her not to go but she… you know better than anyone that there’s no reasoning with her when she puts her mind to something.”

 

“What did she say?” Maggie’s heart starts thudding in her chest, panic bubbling over as Eliza shrugs.

 

“She was upset. I think she said something about messing something up, and she mentioned you. Clearly, she feels guilty about what happened between you, but I suppose that’s between you and her. But it was mostly about Kara.”

 

Maggie’s eyebrows lift in surprise.

 

“Kara?”

 

“Yes, she’s mentioned her concerns in passing a few times, but she never wanted to address it, and then she called me suddenly this morning and started talking about how Kara always ignored you, or distanced herself because she was jealous of sharing Alex with someone else. Alex said it made her cold, reckless, even.”

 

Maggie’s jaw hurts with how tightly she’s clenching it to attempt to stomach her own failure as Eliza looks at her.

 

“I never meant to take Alex away from Kara, I really tried to show her that, but we never really, I don’t know, Kara is so close to everyone else, but I always got the impression that she just… tolerated me.”

 

“You’re not upset about that?”

 

“Alex and Kara are two sides of the same coin. Maybe there’s no room for someone else.”

 

“Maggie there has always been room in our family for you. There still is. Alex is Kara’s world, her only true connection to humanity, and when you came along, she felt that her bond with her sister was threatened, which of course it wasn’t. I know how hard you worked to make those two talk to each other about the important things, so thank you.”

 

Eliza’s words are kind enough, and Maggie understands that she might even mean them right now, but the feeling of security and safety is just that – a feeling. She’s had it before, with her parents, more exes than Maggie cares to remember, and with the Danvers, and each time, the promise of forever had felt real, until the ground disappeared again from under her feet and she was left to fall alone, over and over.

 

And here she is, letting herself believe it all over again.

 

“You don’t have to say that just because Alex and I…”

 

 _Alex and I what?_ she asks herself. Maggie doesn’t know the answer.

 

“I love you like a daughter Maggie, that didn’t change because you and Alex thought you couldn’t make it work.”

 

“You think we could? If… if Kara gets her out of there?”

 

“I think that you both love each other, and that doesn’t just go away because you want different things. Look, Maggie, when Jeremiah and I first started dating, I made it clear right from the beginning that I wasn’t interested in having children.”

 

“But-”

 

“I’m not trying to encourage you to change your mind, quite the opposite, really, but the thing is, life can change completely in a second, and there’s no way of anticipating the disasters that it throws at you, or the moments that you’ll treasure forever. No one knows what’s going to happen tomorrow, especially with the lives you all lead.”

 

“You think we could try?”

 

“Alex has already decided that even if she wanted to, she can’t be a mother. Not right now, anyway. Maggie, what I’m trying to say is that when you have something this strong and this powerful, don’t let it go for a future neither of you can predict.”

 

Maggie nods slowly as Eliza leans back in the chair.

 

“They’d tell us, right? If there’s any change?”

 

“Of course.”

 

Eliza eyes her doubtfully as her eyes fix on the closed door of Alex’s room.

 

“Come on,” Eliza murmurs, gesturing for Maggie to stand and leading her back to Alex as if reading her mind.

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

“How long has it been?” Maggie folds her arms across her chest, feeling nervous alone with J’onn now that Lucy had dragged Eliza outside to find a DEO file that could have more information on where Cadmus got the Black Mercy.

 

J’onn stands awkwardly by the wall, watching over the Danvers sisters anxiously.

 

“Two hours.”

 

“How long can they stay like this for?”

 

“Not much longer,” he admits, his frown deepening as he focuses on Alex’s face.

 

“Can you tell what’s happening?”

 

J’onn shrugs, “hallucinations are a little different to ordinary brain activity, so to a certain extent, I can’t read their minds, but every so often I hear some of what Kara is thinking.”

 

Maggie falls silent, unsure of whether she wants to know what exactly that is.

 

“In theory, the more I’m able to hear from Alex, the closer she is to rejecting the fantasy, the closer she is to accepting reality,” J’onn murmurs, looking pained.

 

“Can you hear her?” Maggie whispers, dread twisting her stomach into knots.

 

J’onn shakes his head once, and if Maggie had blinked then, she would have missed it. Somewhere in the following seconds, Maggie’s throat closes up and the silence is broken suddenly by the sound of the door sliding open. Eliza asks for J’onn, murmuring something about Lex Luthor’s research and J’onn’s psychic powers. J’onn gives Maggie a look that’s clearly meant to be reassuring, but feels a lot more like she’s back at school, back being the introverted kid who always sits at the back of the class and occasionally got sympathetic looks from teachers.

 

Lucy appears a few minutes later, allegedly to check on the Danvers sisters’ vitals, but seemingly more to bring Maggie coffee and a donut that if Kara were conscious right now, would no longer exist.

 

Maggie mumbles a “thank you”, burning her tongue almost immediately on the scalding liquid and her desperation to stay alert. Lucy leans against a counter across from her, watching silently.

 

“You should eat that,” she gestures to the donut Maggie hasn’t touched.

 

Maggie shrugs, “I’m not hungry.”

 

“You’re just like Alex,” she mutters, almost to herself, but when she looks back at Maggie there’s a spark of something resembling amusement in her eyes.

 

“Is that a good thing?”

 

“Probably not,” Lucy admits, offering her a weak smile, “can I ask you something?”

 

“Shoot.”

 

“Did Alex ever tell you that she called me the minute you left that crime scene?”

 

Maggie’s eyes widen in surprise, and she tilts her head to the side, searching for something she doesn’t find in Lucy’s face.

 

“No, she didn’t.”

 

“Well, she did. She kicked you off your own crime scene – never tell her I said that – and immediately called me to tell me about this annoying detective interfering with DEO business.”

 

“Annoying?” Maggie smiles at the memory, hoping desperately that there will be a future for her to argue with Alex over jurisdiction.

 

“Yep. She called you annoying and ridiculously smart,” Lucy smirks, “her words. Then the next time you bumped into each other I got another earful, but that time she mentioned your dimples and how she really wanted to be friends with you, but she didn’t know why, because you messed up her crime scene.”

 

Maggie hadn’t realised that there were tears in her eyes until now, and she rubs them away quickly before Lucy can see.

 

“She was so deep in the closet I’m surprised you called her out on it, honestly.”

 

“In my defence, I thought she was out the first time I met her, but then when she accidentally asked me out I realised what a baby gay she was.”

 

“Good times.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“You know, she stopped calling around November, and Kara stopped complaining about walking in on you about the same time.”

 

“She ghosted you because we broke up?”

 

Lucy snorts, “pretty much, except she drunk dialled me once a few months ago, full on Alex Danvers level wasted,” her voice lowers and she looks over at Alex, “and…I realised that she was broken.”

 

Maggie’s head snaps towards Lucy, her breath catching in her throat.

 

“I-” Whatever Maggie had been about to say is interrupted by a sudden incessant beeping.

 

Her stomach drops as people rush into the room, her eyes immediately drawn to Alex, and the perfect stillness of her body. But it’s not Alex, it’s Kara. J’onn barks out an order to “pull her out, now”, and the flurry of movement ceases as Kara’s eyes fly open.

 

She sits up hurriedly, her chest heaving. Maggie freezes as Kara’s eyes immediately lock on her.

 

“Maggie, I can’t – Alex needs you. It-it’s _you_.”

 

Maggie takes the device out of Kara’s hands, nodding at her in thanks.

 

“J’onn?”

 

“Do it.”

 

Lucy is the only one who looks at her instead of Alex as Maggie takes Kara’s place on the little bed, her chest tightening as she slips the device over her head.

 

“I’ve got you, Sawyer,” she promises, hooking the monitor up to her arm.

 

It’s almost like falling asleep. Her eyes fall shut by themselves, and then there’s nothing.

 

 

 

//

 

 

The world falls into focus, and Maggie quickly realises that she’s standing in the hallway outside Alex’s apartment. It’s familiar, something she can work with. _You’re undercover_ , Maggie thinks over and over, trying to convince herself that it’s just another mission, but it’s _not_ , and her heart is thudding at a hundred miles an hour as she pushes the door open.

 

Alex turns around, a bright smile on her face.

 

“Hey, babe. You’re home early.”

 

She steps forward to kiss her cheek softly, and Maggie can feel the smile against her skin. Her heart is in her throat, because she’s suddenly aware of the ring on her finger, and it’s a wedding ring, and Alex is wearing a matching one.

 

Alex releases her, turning back to the kitchen for a second. It’s then that Maggie notices that, one, Alex’s bedroom has a door, and two, there’s another door next to it. Her eyes fall on a scribbled drawing taped to the fridge, the childish handwriting indicating that one of the blobs is called “Mama”.

 

Maggie’s body goes numb with shock when a little girl appears in the doorway of one of the bedrooms. She’s probably around five, Maggie guesses, and with dark hair almost like her own, and bright green eyes shining as she beams up at her.

 

“Mama!” she exclaims, “You’re home!”

 


	8. just blink and we'll be gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie struggles with the reality of Alex's fantasy, and Lucy makes another appearance.

The little girl flashes her a mischievous grin that’s, _God_ , it’s like she’s a tiny Alex with the way she smirks, the way she gives off the impression that she could definitely get away with murder. The girl rushes off again, leaving Maggie alone with Alex, and the hallucinations around them. Maggie is hit hard with the knowledge that she’ll never forget the way she can almost taste the domesticity of her imagined life with the woman in front of her, the way it feels to know what could have been, and what is in Alex’s fantasy.

 

She pushes the thought of Alex’s… _their_ daughter out of her mind, and swallows hard in an effort to rid herself of the grief that lies thick on her tongue. Maggie feels the overwhelming sense of dread coiling deep in her chest, and she tastes the hollow echo of the the pain, the _grief_ as she takes in Alex’s soft smile _,_ and it’s rough and uncomfortable, like the metallic tang of blood the back of her throat as Alex tilts her head to the side.

 

“Is something wrong?”

 

A twinge of something like confusion claws its way into Alex’s eyes, like she’s missing one part of a jigsaw puzzle - just shy of piecing the understanding together, but equally close to giving up on the whole ordeal. Maggie is all too aware that, firstly, she has the last piece of the puzzle sitting in the palm of her hand - ready to give to Alex and crush everything she’s dreamed about for her, for them - and secondly, Maggie knows that this could be the thing that ruins them both forever.

 

And by _them_ , she means Alex, because if Maggie’s being honest, she was broken a long time ago.

 

“We need to talk.”

 

Alex looks at her, her eyes glossed over in a way that almost looks drunk, almost looks indifferent, and she doesn’t make a joke about what a horrible thing that is to say to someone, to put them on the spot like that. It helps, a little; the realisation that this Alex - this fantasised dream of perfection - it isn’t anything close to the real Alex, to the real _them_.

 

Maggie follows her into the bedroom the way she has a thousand times before, with and without terrible music playing in the background to keep the imminent end at bay, and it all feels too familiar, too overwhelmingly _perfect_ , until Alex pushes the non-existent door shut with a soft click that pulls Maggie from her spiral of thought.

 

She’s still wearing that blank, almost distant expression as she waits patiently, calmly, in a way that’s not Alex at all, for Maggie to speak. When she folds her arms defensively across her chest, any thoughts Maggie had on getting to the point – a clean break, she’d decided as Alex had pulled her into the bedroom – are banished to sit in the corner of her mind with the rest of the guardedness and caution Alex had stripped her of over the course of their relationship.

           

“We… we have a kid?” Maggie whispers, her pulse thudding loudly in her ears when Alex’s expression doesn’t change, and neither of them question it, because Maggie realises painfully, devastatingly, that somehow this could just be normal, like somewhere in a parallel universe she can let herself have this, _be_ this woman who has kids and a little white fence around her house.

 

“Yes,” Alex murmurs, “Jamie.”

 

 _Fuck_ , Maggie thinks, the rush of pain and shock nestling deep in her gut, like Alex had just put a bullet in her rather than a name, and part of Maggie wishes that were the case. It _hurts_ as Alex watches her, sending a shock of guilt across her chest, radiating down her spine, because of course Alex had subconsciously named their dream child,

 

“Tell me about… her. About us.”

 

Maggie regrets the words in the same second that they leave her lips, and the little smile Alex flashes at the request leaves her breathless, the burning pricks in her eyes giving way to a hot rush of tears that dream-Alex can’t understand, can’t kiss away or comfort.

 

“We’re married, and we have a daughter. She’s… she’s strong, and she’s tough, and so smart. I think… I think Jamie’s like you, Mags.”

 

Tears are streaming down Maggie’s face at this point, burning into her cheeks like acid as she rubs them away with her fist. Alex steps forward almost instinctively, a little flicker of concern struggling to make itself known in her eyes. Alex reaches out to touch her, and her fingers leave goosebumps across Maggie’s skin despite the warmth radiating from her body, and Maggie shudders against the touch, shaking her head to clear her mind.

 

“A little Supergirl, huh?” she breathes, and the sudden fading darkness in the room can’t just be her mind playing tricks on her, even if Alex doesn’t seem to notice it. Recognition darts briefly across Alex’s face at the mention of her sister, but it’s quickly replaced by the heavy fog of confusion that surrounds them both.

 

“Who’s Supergirl?”

 

Oh. _Oh._

 

Thinking about it, it makes sense that Alex’s dream world isn’t one where she feels indisputably inferior to her own sister. Maggie knows the inescapable sense of inferiority almost as well as Alex does. It makes sense.

 

That doesn’t make it any less painful, unfortunately.

 

“Alex?” Maggie’s voice is small, and her body is trembling uncontrollably like she’s standing in a snowstorm as Alex stares down at her with confusion in her eyes.

 

“Yes?”

 

“Am I- am I a good Mom?”

 

It’s a stupid question, really, because of course Alex believes she’d be a good parent – in a perfect world, maybe even her own parents were decent, and Maggie briefly wants to ask Alex about them. She decides against it, aware of the lack of time and the monster crushing Alex’s body back in the real world. Maggie feels sort of selfish for asking, and to be honest she can’t quite explain why she did, but even so, Alex’s eyes brighten a little as she nods fervently.

 

“You’re _amazing_ , Mags. You’re perfect.”

 

Maggie shrugs, “but I… I’m a workaholic.”

 

Alex’s eyebrows pull together, and she hums a noise of disagreement.

 

“Smart. Passionate,” Alex corrects.

 

“Hard-headed.”

 

Alex’s fingertips brush Maggie’s neck as she tucks her hair behind her ear, “Strong.”

 

“Insensitive.”

 

Alex purses her lips, shaking her head in disagreement. There’s a beat of silence as Maggie sucks in a breath, shuddering as she fights to control herself under the intensity of Alex’s gaze.

 

“I love you. You’re perfect,” Alex breathes, pulling back to look at her. Maggie stumbles backwards, blinking rapidly to clear the haziness from her brain.

 

“No, Alex, I’m sorry, I wish I could be for you, but I’m not,” she sucks in a breath, “this isn’t real.”

 

Alex’s confusion deepens into a frown as she blinks slowly, as if Maggie is speaking a different language.

 

“What?”

 

“Tell me what your job is.”

 

“I’m a…” Alex frowns, thinking, “a scientist.”

 

“No. You work for the DEO.”

 

“The DEO? What - I don’t understand.”

 

Frustration flares in Maggie’s chest, tightening around the heavy thudding of her heart, and she can almost feel the time slipping away.

 

“Your sister, Kara?” Alex nods, “she’s an alien. She’s Supergirl. You work with her and J’onn and Winn and Lucy with the DEO to protect the city from threats. We… we didn’t get married, Alex – I’m sorry – but we didn’t because I, I said that I didn’t want kids, but we…”

 

Alex’s eyes are wet the next time Maggie looks at her, sparkling with unshed tears as understanding slowly develops in her eyes.

  
“You were attacked by a Black Mercy. This isn’t… it’s a hallucination. Your dream world. I’m _so_ sorry, Alex, but if you don’t realise that this isn’t real it’s going to kill you,” Maggie’s voice cracks at the end, her desperation registering somewhere on Alex’s face.

 

“A Black Mercy?” Alex whispers, “Kara… Kara was… _oh._ Supergirl.”

 

“Yes! That’s what’s real. Kara, and J’onn, the DEO, everyone that you love-”

 

“But… I don’t understand,” Alex repeats, and Maggie’s momentary rush of relief falls short.

 

“Alex, _please_. I didn’t… we didn’t fight for before but I am _not_ giving up on you again, Danvers. Not now, not ever. Real life isn’t perfect, Alex, but we’re still _us_ , and we still protect each other. When I said ride or die, I meant it, okay? So please, I can’t choose this for you and it’s okay that you want things that I couldn’t give you, but please - I can’t let you _die_.”

 

“Ride or die,” Alex chokes, her eyes wide and vulnerable as Maggie leans into her, breathing hard, “I tried. I wanted this to be real, I’m sorry, Mags.”

 

The room is spinning. Literally.

 

Alex is gripping her shoulders so hard that if this were real she’d have bruises like the ones that aren’t on her neck anymore The dizziness secures its grip on Maggie’s body as her pulse thuds loudly in her ears.

 

“I love you,” Alex gasps into her neck.

 

 Maggie can only nod and hope that it will still be true when they wake up – _if_ they wake up. She clutches Alex to her chest as tightly as she can with only one thought racing through her head, and suddenly she’s back on the DEO’s balcony and listening to Supergirl’s last words to her sister before disappearing into the night, still buzzing with adrenaline and only truly beginning to understand the extent of Alex’s impulsiveness.

 

 _Don’t let go_. _Don’t ever let her go._

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

Maggie’s chest aches with how hard her heart is pounding as she jolts upright. Her eyes fly open as she swings her legs off the bed, ignoring Lucy’s protests. Her legs struggle to support her weight as she stumbles towards Alex in time to see the Black Mercy shrinking, recoiling like a startled animal and releasing its hold on her chest as Maggie reaches for Alex’s shoulders, desperate for any part of her to hang on to.

 

“Hey, hey. Alex,” Maggie whispers soothingly as Alex’s fingers immediately go to rip the oxygen mask off her face, her eyes wide and still sparkling with tears. She sits upright jerkily, panic burning hard in her eyes as they search frantically for Maggie’s face. Alex’s shoulders sag forwards a little when Maggie meets her eyes, and she leans into Maggie, breathing hard.

 

“Alex?” Kara asks, suddenly at Maggie’s side.

 

Alex stares unblinkingly at Maggie, her chest still heaving as she pushes through the many layers of confusion clouding her eyes.

 

“Alex, are you okay?” Lucy says, firmly but gently as she lays a hand on Alex’s shoulder.

 

“I’ll go and get Eliza,” Kara mumbles, looking distraught as Alex ignores everyone but Maggie.

 

“Mom’s here?” Alex croaks, and her voice is so low that Maggie can barely make out what she’s saying.

 

“You want Kara to get her?”

 

Alex shakes her head quickly as Kara envelopes her in a tight hug. Maggie can tell she’s barely holding back tears, and J’onn clears his throat a little awkwardly when Maggie shoots a look in his direction. The room empties, and Maggie is surprised when even Kara leaves, if a little reluctantly, leaving the two of them alone.

 

Alex buries her face in Maggie’s neck, and they’re huddled on the tiny hospital bed like before, only this time Alex is warm and the anger bubbling in Maggie’s chest isn’t aimed at Rick Malverne, but at herself.

 

“Alex,” she whispers, and her voice is hollow and raw as Alex’s breathing slows.

 

“It wasn’t real.”

 

“I know.”

 

“It wasn’t real,” Alex repeats, like saying it out loud will make it any less awful.

 

It doesn’t.

 

“Alex-”

 

“I’m okay. I’m sorry you had to do that, Maggie,” she whispers. Alex straightens her back in an effort to seem composed, but even so, she flinches a little as Maggie’s fingers trace the lumpy tissue of the scar on her shoulder.

 

“Don’t pretend. Please.”

 

Alex shrugs.

 

Regardless, they both pretend that Alex’s eyes aren’t puffy and red, and that the hollow look in her eyes is fine, sitting in silence for minutes that seem to stretch into days. Maggie presses a kiss to her shoulder, trying to reign in her primal need for any kind of physical contact, to reassure herself again that she’s here, that she’s alive.

 

Alex shoots her a look that’s virtually impossible to read, the beginnings of something dangerous smoking in her eyes. It sends Maggie’s barely-subdued panic into overdrive, because the one thing she’s always been able to do is read Alex, but now, the agent could be planning a murder for all Maggie can tell.

 

Alex purses her lips into a hard line as Lucy knocks on the door, and whatever Maggie had been about to say sticks in her throat as the director enters the room.

 

“Luce, tell me you have a lead.”

 

It’s really more of a plea than anything else, but Alex’s tone is quiet, dangerous, a ticking bomb ready to explode in their faces if not handled correctly. Maggie tries to pull herself together, feeling pathetic and like she’s ten steps behind Alex’s processing

 

The only issue is that _no one_ handles Alex Danvers.

 

Lucy’s teeth graze her lower lip as she takes Alex in, both of them watching quietly as Alex swings her legs over the side of the bed, standing on unsteady feet in the centre of the room.

 

“Kara’s going crazy out there, Alex. You should talk to her.”

 

Alex’s expression doesn’t change. She just shrinks further into the Agent Danvers façade and Maggie realises she’s still staring at Alex with wide eyes when Lucy clears her throat, and she stops her mental attempt to reach out to Alex and drag her… ex-fiancée back home.

 

“I’ll talk to her when I want to, Lucy.”

 

Maggie’s eyebrows shoot upwards in surprise, and she shares an awkward glance with Lucy.

 

“We caught a read on some synthetic kryptonite back in National City, and a money trail that links to one of the dummy accounts funding Cadmus. J’onn said to meet him there tomorrow.”

 

“Kryptonite?” Alex practically growls, taking a step towards Lucy, “They have _kryptonite_ , a Black Mercy, and who the fuck knows what else, and we’re delaying until tomorrow because what – you think I can’t handle it?”

 

Maggie’s breath catches in her throat at how quickly the soft, gentle Alex from before is pushed away by the fear lining the agent’s face.

 

“Sit down, Danvers,” Lucy says calmly, her voice firm as she stares Alex down until she obeys. “We’re not delaying because of you, we’re delaying because we don’t even have a location yet and your sister is too angry right now to make any decisions that aren’t Alex Danvers level impulsive and frankly, stupid. Look, Alex, I’m not trying to hold you back, or put Kara in danger, but both of you need to learn when to stop, when to take a break.”

 

“She’s right, Alex,” Maggie murmurs, and Alex looks from Lucy to Maggie like a wounded animal trying to escape.

 

“If you think I’m going to sit in my apartment while Kara-”

 

“Do you honestly think I’d send you home with Kara out on a mission with kryptonite?”

 

Alex deflates a little as Maggie watches the interaction, and their eyes meet for a fraction of a second, Alex’s expression softening a little, “No. Sorry, I just…”

 

“I know.”

 

“Okay, so we have some things to talk about.”

 

Lucy puts her hands on her hips, and she may be shorter than Maggie, but even Alex looks a little nervous.

 

“I can go,” Maggie suggests awkwardly, feeling slightly more relieved now that Alex looks less like she’s about to go and make a bomb in her lab, or hunt down Jeremiah alone.

 

“No,” Lucy shakes her head, “You, too, Sawyer.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Alexandra,” Lucy scowls at her, and Alex visibly shrinks away from her as Maggie watches in amazement.

 

“Uh, yeah?”

 

“If you do one more reckless thing without my consent, I will take away your blaster _and_ your new suit. I mean that.”

 

“You wouldn’t.”

 

“I would.”

 

“New suit?” 

 

“I’ll show you later,” Alex mumbles.

  
“And you know what? You two are ridiculous. Clearly you love each other, and I’m going to sort out this mess of a relationship if it kills me, which knowing you, Danvers, it probably will.”

 

“Lucy-” Maggie protests, because Alex already looked pale, and this is decidedly not helping anything.

 

“I’m guessing Kara threatened to throw Maggie into the sun if she hurt you?”

 

Maggie rolls her eyes, but Alex nods once.

 

“Sawyer, go stand outside.”

 

For some reason, Maggie does what she’s told, despite Alex’s pleading look as she shuts the door. She leans against the wall, pretending she can’t hear everything being said in the little room.

 

“Alexandra Danvers.”

 

“Yes?”

 

“If you hurt Maggie I will personally throw _you_ into the sun, and don’t think I won’t because. I. Will.”

 

“I, uh, I believe you.”

 

“Good. Because she deserves to be treated right, and I know you know this, but I enjoy threatening you, and frankly, Sawyer needs someone in her corner who isn’t hopelessly in love with her, although if you aren’t available-”

 

“Okay, shut up! Please! I _really_ don’t want to hear it.”

 

“Fine. You may enter, Sawyer.”

 

Amused, Maggie opens the door and walks back into the room.

 

“These walls are pretty thin, by the way,” she comments.

 

“Which is why I’m not sure I trust you two in here alone,” Lucy mutters under her breath.

 

“What was that?”

 

“I said I’m driving you to the hotel so you can get some sleep. We’ll fly back tomorrow.”

 

“Right.”

 

Lucy narrows her eyes at Alex, then flashes Maggie a smirk before throwing Alex her jacket.

 

 

 

//

 

The hotel room seems weirdly large after so many hours spent crammed into the tiny room with Alex. Maggie tells herself she’s okay with leaving Alex alone long enough to change her clothes, and when she comes back out of the bathroom, Alex is sitting in the middle of her bed, hugging her knees to her chest.

 

As soon as Alex notices her, she forces a smile, but it doesn’t make a difference to the haunted look nestled deep in her eyes.

 

Maggie stands awkwardly in the middle of the room until Alex breaks the silence, “Seeing as we’ve already broken most of the rules, are we allowed to cuddle?”

 

Maggie winces at that, and Alex rubs her eyes, looking exhausted.

 

“Yeah. I can do that.”

 

The last thing Maggie hears before falling asleep is Alex’s whispering something into her neck. In her sleep deprived haze, it takes Maggie more than a few seconds to process the words.

 

_I’m sorry._

 

 

 


	9. coming home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this sanvers-centric (even more than usual) chapter, feelings are shared, and maybe they finally start to sort things out.

The only noise in the apartment was the soft rise and fall of Alex’s chest as her breathing evened out. Maggie let her eyes fall shut, still in awe of the feeling of Alex’s body pressed into her side, of their legs still tangled amongst the discarded sheets. Alex’s head had come to rest by Maggie’s chest, and she listened quietly to the slowing thud of Maggie’s heart in the perfect stillness of the apartment.

 

It took Maggie a moment in her drowsy haze to realise that Alex was watching her quietly, the way she always did sometimes when she thought Maggie wasn’t looking, with her unreadable eyes and that thing she does with her lip caught between her teeth as she thinks.

 

“What are you thinking?” Maggie’s voice was rough, still breathless as Alex pulled her impossibly closer, her arm resting comfortably over Maggie’s hip. The agent paused, running her fingertips along Maggie’s stomach and smiling when the woman shuddered under her, goosebumps appearing under her nails.

 

“Do you ever think about it?”

 

“About what?”

 

Alex rolled onto her side, brushing a damp strand of Maggie’s hair out of her face, and pressing a light kiss to her cheek.

 

“You know… getting married. One day.”

 

Maggie’s brain short-circuited the moment the word _‘married’_ left Alex’s lips, and her silence was met by the feeling of Alex’s body going rigid against her. It had barely been a week since they’d said their first _‘I love you’s_ , she reminded herself. She shouldn’t want to be thinking like this, shouldn’t be imagining more firsts so soon…

 

But she was. And apparently she wasn’t alone in that.

 

Maggie nodded, once, and if Alex had blinked she probably would have missed it. When she turned her head a little to meet Alex eyes, she realised that the agent was smiling softly, wearing the lopsided grin that Maggie adored so much.

 

“So you _do_ love me?” Alex whispered, her voice muffled as she leaned down and pressed her lips to Maggie’s jaw, the vibrations of her voice tickling the skin there. Maggie tilted her head to meet Alex’s lips, deepening the kiss. Before Maggie could register what was happening, Alex was hovering over her again, desire in her eyes as she bit her lip.

 

“I really do,” Maggie replied, and her chest almost hurts with the relief of being able to say it, and to have Alex say it back, “I kind of can’t believe this is real.”

 

Alex chuckled lightly, “Believe it,” she murmurs.

 

Maggie nods, getting ever so slightly distracted when the duvet fell off Alex’s shoulders.

 

“Eyes up, Sawyer.”

 

Maggie huffed out a laugh, “I could say the same to you.”

 

Alex rolled her eyes, and her lips fell to Maggie’s neck again, which was honestly becoming very distracting as she struggled to put thoughts into words.

 

“Don’t you have to be at work in like… ten minutes?” she breathed.

 

“Are you suggesting that I should leave you to go and put _clothes_ on?” Alex tilted her head to the side in mock horror.

 

“Absolutely not.”

 

Alex shook her head, cutting Maggie’s sentence short with a kiss that left her breathless and, frankly, a gay mess.

 

“I’m not going in today.”

 

Maggie raised an eyebrow at her, then flipped them over, biting back a laugh at the surprised squeak that Alex would later deny ever came out of her mouth. The intimacy of the moment, and the firsts and the experiences that they have only shared with each other hit Maggie rather abruptly, and she couldn’t fight the soft smile that pulled at her lips.

 

“I have the black lung,” Alex whispered gravely, sitting up a little to close the gap between them as she held Maggie close.

 

“Nerd.”

 

Alex ignored her, her thumb tracing Maggie’s cheek as she cupped her face.

 

“This is my favourite smile,” Alex mused, “Both dimples.”

 

She kissed them both to emphasise her point, and Maggie ducked her head, blushing.

 

“ _Nerd_.”

 

“You love it.”

 

“I do.”

 

Alex snorted, “slow down there, Sawyer, I haven’t even got a ring yet.”

 

“Yet?” Maggie squeaked.

 

“Oh, I have big plans for us, Mags,” Alex kissed her softly, and Maggie could almost taste the unspoken question mark on her lips, “If you want them, that is.”

 

“Have I mentioned that I love you?”

 

Alex’s eyes sparkled as she grinned up at her.

 

“Once or twice.”

 

Maggie paused in thought, letting her fingers run through Alex’s hair.

 

“On a scale from one to you forgetting to give Pam your paperwork, how bad an idea would it be for me to take a week off work?” she asked.

 

“Minus two.” Alex replied without missing a beat, her eyes never leaving Maggie’s face.

 

“That’s… oddly specific.”

 

“We could just… stay in bed. All day,” Alex pointed out, as if that was the only valid reason for not going to work. Some things just don’t change, apparently, Maggie thought. Not that she was complaining, of course.

 

Maggie’s mind replayed Alex’s words from before, about being unable to enjoy intimacy, about not being built for this, and the gravity of how _perfect_ this is settled deep in her chest as Alex smiles softly up at her.

 

“We could,” she allowed, “But then Kara would wonder what happened to you.”

 

Alex pouted, “Fine. Just today then?”

 

“Of course.”

 

 

/

 

 

That evening, when they still hadn’t made it out of the bedroom for longer than ten minutes to make food, Maggie would something about rent, something about her lease ending soon, and Alex would take her hand and point out that she basically lived here anyway. There’s no big question or nervousness, and neither of them would have changed it for the world.

 

 

/

 

 

“So you have the week off with me?” Alex confirmed, coming out of the bathroom in Maggie’s two-sizes-too-big NCPD t-shirt.

 

Maggie smiles at her choice in sleep-wear as Alex climbs into bed.

 

“Only if you promise to ignore Lucy spamming you.”

 

“Lucy sending me memes over having you all to myself for a week? No way.”

 

“If you’ll put up with me that long.”

 

Alex rolls over to face her, cupping Maggie’s face.

 

“Sawyer,” she whispers, with mock-seriousness.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“I love you. I intend to put up with you forever.”

 

Alex had kissed her like she meant it.

 

_//_

 

 

 

No matter how hard she tries to pretend it’s not true, Maggie can never sleep alone as well as she had in every bed she shared with Alex. Particularly after their misadventure of a road trip, her bed feels incredibly empty, and no matter how high she turns the thermostat, it’s still cold.

 

Maggie gives up on trying to sleep despite getting home from work at five AM after a twelve-hour shift. She decides instead to go and take a shower after hours of restlessness, too wired to sleep.

 

The lead on Cadmus had taken them on a wild goose chase around the city, all money laundering and no hard evidence, and to Maggie’s bitter disappointment and Alex’s silent, dangerous rage, it leads exactly back where they started.

 

The water is just two steps shy of painfully hot, and when black spots start appearing in front of her eyes, Maggie realises she actually has no idea how long she’s been standing under the scalding water. She dries off quickly, pulling on underwear and jeans. A quick glance at her phone tells her it’s past six, and that she hasn’t slept in over twenty hours.

 

There’s a missed call from Alex, and Maggie’s stomach coils into knots just like it does every time she thinks of her as she opens the voicemail.

 

“Hey, Mags. I know you got a lead on your case, but I hope you went home at a reasonable time, and if you’re at home, then I hope you’re asleep. Anyway, I missed you at the crime scene, so I guess I just wanted to say hi, and, uh, if you see Kara tomorrow you shouldn’t listen to her.”

 

Maggie runs her fingers through her damp hair, confused. Why would Alex tell her to ignore Kara? She wonders briefly if it was another pre-kidnapping situation, and that Kara still didn’t trust her enough to be around Alex, to love her sister as much as she did. Does. At this point, Maggie wouldn’t blame her - not that that’s ever stopped her before. There were always a lot of shoulds in her relationship with Alex, from don’t-fall-in-love-with-the-baby-gay to don’t-propose-when-the-world-is-ending, but even in the beginning, they had both ignored most of them. As self-destructive as this whole thing is, Maggie knows deep down that she had always and will always be worse off without Alex in her life.

 

Contrary to popular belief (popular being Alex and Lucy, of course), Maggie does not, in fact, have an affinity for romantic speeches. She’d told Alex exactly that after one of their firsts dates, huddled under a pile of blankets and binge-watching Orange is the New Black for Alex’s gay education. “I just say what I mean,” she’d mumbled, pretending she hadn’t been blushing under Alex’s easy grin. She’d kissed her then, smiling against Alex’s lips and still reeling from the newness of it all, still standing in the sun.

 

_I don’t want to imagine my life without you in it._

Even now, Maggie can’t imagine a universe where that isn’t true, no matter how dark this one may have become.

 

The phone in her hand vibrates with an email, the sudden flash of the screen drawing Maggie’s attention back to Alex’s voicemail. She opens her phone app and selects Alex’s name, holding her breath in anticipation as it rings.

 

“Mags? Is everything okay?” Alex’s voice is rough, almost like she’s been crying. Maggie’s teeth catch on her lip as she debates whether or not to ask her about it.

 

“No, yeah, everything’s fine.”

 

The line is silent for a few seconds, and Maggie considers that she should have thought about what she was going to say beforehand.

 

“Can’t sleep?” Alex’s voice is softer now, and it reminds Maggie of the times that Alex would call her at work before bringing her lunch, if only to make sure she wasn’t interrupting a debrief or meeting.

 

“Can you?”

 

“No… Kara and I talked.”

 

“Talked? You sound upset.”

 

“It’s nothing.”

 

“You sure?”

 

Alex sighs, “No. We _talked_. She… I don’t know. It’s complicated.”

 

Maggie hears a siren blaring on the line, and the sound of traffic as Alex shifts the phone to her other ear.

 

“Where are you, Danvers?”

 

“I’m not actually sure.”

 

“What?”

 

“I kind of… walked out of Kara’s apartment. And then I kept walking, and I’m trying to get google maps to tell me how to get home but I used all my data, and-”

 

“ _Alex._ ”

 

“Yeah. Oops?”

 

“Stay put. And Danvers?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Don’t get up to any vigilante hijinks before I get to you, okay?”

 

Maggie hangs up as Alex is still mumbling a response about being the only non-vigilante within a ten-mile radius. It takes Maggie a minute to realise that she’s not actually wearing a shirt, and then that she hadn’t had time to do laundry this week. Swearing under her breath, she roots around her apartment and finds an old V-neck and her leather jacket. It’s not the worst thing she could possibly wear going to pick Alex up from God-knows-where, but if she’s being honest, the deep neckline and slightly see-through material is a little much. She zips the jacket up a little higher as she pulls her helmet on, kicking the bike into life.

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

Alex is sitting on a wall by the side of the road, swinging her legs back and forth when Maggie finds her. Her teenager-sneaking-out look only intercepted by the slightly wary look she’s watching the traffic with, looking every part the federal agent as her fingers rest on her concealed handgun.

 

“Danvers.”

 

“Oh thank God,” Alex mumbles with barely-disguised relief, hopping down and taking the spare helmet Maggie passes her.

 

“For a double doctor special agent, you don’t have much of a sense of direction,” Maggie says dryly.

 

Alex _pffts_ , not even bothering to deny the fact that it’s true as she rolls her eyes.

 

“Whatever.”

 

Maggie can’t fight the grin on her face as Alex looks at her for the first time, her lips parting slightly as she takes in her outfit. That look is straight from the evenings spent pretending to watch a movie on the couch, and the first time Alex saw her in police uniform at an NCPD event. Alex shakes her head to clear her thoughts.

 

“You okay there, Danvers?”

 

Alex clears her throat awkwardly, “Yeah.”

 

To Maggie’s surprise, Alex gets on the back of her bike without complaint.

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

The ride back to Maggie’s apartment feels a lot longer than it actually is, mostly thanks to the tight grip of Alex’s arms around her waist as she weaves through the growing traffic of the early morning. When they pull up outside, Alex is still silent, and she doesn’t really speak until they’re back in the apartment and she has a beer in her hand.

 

Alex must really be making an effort after the whole Bad Coping Mechanisms talk Lucy gave them, because she doesn’t just down it like she usually would, even getting up to pour both of them a glass of water after the first beer.

 

“Self care looks good on you,” Maggie comments, following Alex into the kitchen.

 

Alex blushes, of course, because she never really outgrew the phase of being unable to take a compliment. If she’s being honest, Maggie never really gave her the chance, considering that their last attempt to be _just friends_ lasted all of two weeks. Maggie decides to stop that train of thought before it crashes and burns when she starts second guessing herself, wondering what exactly they are now, whether they could ever call themselves friends.

 

Shrugging, Alex leans against the counter, her gaze flitting briefly to Maggie’s lips before she takes a step back, trying to steady herself. Maggie waits for her to say something as the tension grows more tangible.

 

“When I met you, I could only tell Kara that we were friends. I mean, sure, I was in denial about the fact that I was gay, but I still… I _knew_ that I had feelings for you, but deep down, I thought that Kara couldn’t handle it. If I had someone important in my life. Someone who wasn’t her.”

 

Alex is watching Maggie cautiously, her eyes wary as she waits for her reaction. Maggie keeps her face blank, years of undercover training helping to conceal her thoughts.

 

“Because she was jealous?”

 

Guilt flashes across Alex’s face, and she tries to hide it by turning away from Maggie, running a hand through her hair.

 

“She went through something unimaginable. Kara lost her entire world, and when she came to Earth, my whole life revolved around her. Taking care of her, teaching her to fit in. I spent so much time making her my whole life because it was easier not to have one of my own. Not to face the things I didn’t understand about myself.”

 

“I get that, Alex.”  
  
“I know you do, which is why-” Alex trails off, rubbing the back of her neck, “You walked into my life and made me accept myself, Mags. Kara stopped being the only important person in my life, because you made me realise that _I_ was important too.”

 

Alex finally looks at her, letting her fingers brush against Maggie’s for a moment before reaching out to hold her hands.

 

“You’re right. Kara is jealous of you because it means she’s not the centre of my universe like she’s used to. She never even tried to spend time with you, and I feel awful for saying these things, but I need her to be my sister in more than just the way that means she protects me. I need her to _try_ to love the people that I love.”

 

“Alex…”

 

“I know. It’s not that simple, and I shouldn’t be saying this, and we shouldn’t try, and we shouldn’t want different things, but Maggie, I can’t live my life based on shoulds.”

 

Alex’s cheeks are wet with tears, and her shoulders tremble as Maggie pulls her into a hug, trying to breathe her in as if she’s about to disappear again.

 

“You want to have a family,” Maggie whispers, hating the way her voice breaks as Alex shrugs.

 

“I want _you_. Yeah, I want kids, but not if I can’t have you. I don’t want to have to learn how to live without you, Mags. It was my fault that I had to before, and if you’ll have me, I… I don’t wanna do it again.”

 

“I love you, Alex, but I need to be enough for you by myself. Not just as a second best. I spent my whole life not being what people who were supposed to love me wanted me to be, and I can’t do that again, I just can’t. But what you said is true. We don’t know what could happen in two years, if things could change. If _we_ could change.”

 

Alex shakes her head, dropping Maggie’s hands to cup her cheeks gently.

 

“You’re more than enough, Maggie Sawyer. You’re everything.”

 

Maggie’s breath catches in her throat, and her throat sticks as she tries to come up with a vaguely eloquent response.

 

“Yeah?” she whispers, taking a step closer to Alex.

 

“Yeah. You were right, before. Life is too short. And I _really_ wanna kiss you. Forever.”

 

Maggie nods breathlessly, standing on her tiptoes to close the gap between them and press their lips together in a soft kiss. Alex inhales sharply, as if she hadn’t been expecting it, but seems to recover as she leans into the kiss, pulling Maggie closer.

 

Pulling back, Maggie rests her forehead against Alex’s.

 

“Forever.”

 


	10. way down (we go)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'These violent delights have violent ends…'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, you should know that there's a time jump, so pay attention to that, and that I am very very very sorry. I broke the angstometer. Sorry, Pterodactyl. 
> 
> We've only got another chapter or two to go on this, so thank you to everyone who reads it and everyone who comments, because those always make my day (even the keyboard smashes)!
> 
> Enjoy, and don't forget that sanvers is *endgame* ;)

PART TWO  
(ALEX)

 

 

 

 

For the first time since Kara came out as Supergirl, Alex feels anxiety coiling in the pit of her stomach as she knocks on her sister’s door. The cool weight of the six-pack of beers in Alex’s hand is a welcome contrast to the heated flush of her skin as she waits. Kara opens the door, half-playing with the thick rim of her glasses as she gestures for her to come in.

 

“You don’t have to knock,” she mumbles, her eyes downcast as Alex shrugs.

 

“I know, I just thought…” Alex trails off into silence, holding up the box of pizza to distract her, “I brought your favourite.”

 

“If there are pineapples on that thing, I will melt your face,” she says, with all the sincerity of a toddler who doesn’t want to go to bed.

 

Alex scoffs. “As if. We both know you’d inhale it anyway.”

 

Kara shrugs. “Fair.”

 

She mutters something about getting a bottle opener for the beer, leaving Alex hovering awkwardly by the couch.

 

“Kara?”

 

“Uh, yeah?”

 

Kara reappears with two opened beers and hands one of them to her. Alex takes a sip to buy herself some time, all too aware that her sister could probably hear the uncomfortable thud of her heart from a mile away.

 

“Look, I probably shouldn’t have said those things to you. I’ve just made things awkward and-”

 

“No. You were right,” Kara pauses, playing with the label on her bottle, “About everything. You were right.”

 

Alex downs half the bottle, shrugging her shoulders awkwardly.

 

“That doesn’t make it any better.”

 

“No, but honestly, I’m glad you did.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“If I promise that I won’t be angry with you, will you believe me? I know I make things, I don’t know, one-sided with us, but I want you to be able to tell me what you’re thinking.”

 

They share a look for a moment, until Alex drops her gaze in the interest of not letting her little sister notice the tears in her eyes.

 

“Alex-”

 

“No, it’s okay. It’s just… Maggie and I… we-”

 

“If that sentence doesn’t end with you two getting back together I’m moving to Mars with M’gann.”

 

Alex’s mouth falls open in shock.

 

“You wouldn’t leave me.”

 

“Well, I guess you’re stuck with me then.”

 

Alex nods, “Yeah, let’s keep it that way,” relief floods through her as Kara nods in agreement, “And you’re right about… the other thing. Look, Kara, I know that you and Maggie have had some problems, but I need you to understand that she’s not going anywhere. I know what I said before, and I really need you to be happy for me, because… I don’t know how to do this without you.”

 

The last part all seems to blur into one as Alex fights herself to get the words out, in a way that feels strikingly similar to their first real conversation about Maggie in this very room. Kara pulls her in for a hug, squeezing her so hard that Alex is glad she’s so used to Kryptonian hugs by now.

 

“I was selfish, Alex, and I’m trying to just…” the crinkle between Kara’s eyes appears as she struggles to put her thoughts into words. “You deserve to be happy with her. And it was never Maggie I had a problem with. It was sharing you and I should’ve realised what it was doing to you, to both of us.”

 

Alex squeezes her back, sighing into Kara’s shoulder as she wipes her eyes quickly.

 

“You know, I read somewhere that normal people respond to an apology by saying thank you.”

 

Kara gives a huff of laughter, nodding fervently in agreement as she pulls back. “Yeah. I was expecting to have to disagree with you when you said it’s okay.”  She pauses, fidgeting with the cuff of her sleeve, “But it isn’t okay. And I… I really am sorry.”

 

“I know.”

 

Kara gives her a weak smile, pointing at the abandoned food.

 

“Pizza’s gone cold.”

 

“Eliza did say that the whole heat vision cooking thing won’t give me cancer or radiation sickness, right? I’m really not in the mood for radioactive contamination.”

 

“It’s… negligible?”

 

Alex frowns, eyeing the box of pizza like one of the hostile aliens in the DEO’s basement.

 

“Rao, Alex, I’m joking.”

 

“Oh thank God, I’m starving.”

 

Kara smirks at her, “knew we were sisters.”

 

“Whatever.”

 

They eat in silence for a few minutes, and for once Kara lets Alex eat half. She wonders briefly if she should call Eliza so she has a witness.

 

“You really do deserve to be happy,” Kara mumbles, “Forever.”

 

“Forever would be nice.”

 

Alex laughs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

//

 

 

_Six months later._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As it turns out, their first forever doesn’t last nearly as long as Alex had hoped before Maggie gets the call.  
  
It’s a Sunday morning - well, almost afternoon, because _someone_  made a pretty convincing argument about sharing showers, you know, for the environment, and it got... a little out of hand. Now, Alex is the one making coffee, wearing an old shirt that may or may not only have two functioning buttons left thanks to Maggie’s over-eagerness. Not that Alex would complain about that. _Ever_.

 

Autumn is quickly fading into Winter, and the city is getting colder by the day. Even so, the orange glow of the late morning sunrise still seeps into the kitchen through the gap in the curtains, hastily drawn to encourage themselves to actually get up. In spite of the fact that her previous workplace being a cave, Alex has to admit that the new apartment with the giant windows is kind of nice on mornings like this. The way the warm light shines on Maggie’s face is almost reminiscent of their first meeting, with the equally beautiful sunset bathing them in a soft yellow glow, and the shock of just how much her life has changed since then – for the better, of course – hits Alex with surprising force.

 

Maggie steps out of their bedroom, wearing all black, as usual. Sometimes she’ll give in to a navy blue or even green every so often, but most of the time, Maggie likes to pretend she’s the one in matte black uniform every day. Alex wonders briefly if she _is_  a bad influence, or if the DEO is the one to blame for both of them being able to pass as vigilantes whenever they visit the perpetual dreariness of Maggie’s Gotham taskforce. It’s with Batwoman, of course, and Alex had lost a lot of money to drunken betting when Kate mentioned something about the birthmark on Maggie’s thigh. Luckily, Maggie had found Alex’s newfound hobby of bickering with her ex (who also happens to be _another_ vigilante but whatever) rather endearing.  
  
Maggie’s eyes dart from the clock on the wall to the phone in her hand more than once as Alex pours coffee into two mugs, adding Maggie’s favourite brand of soy milk to one of them. (They still argue over vegan ice cream, and Alex will never admit to actually liking the stuff. In fact, she’s willing to swear that being punched by a Kryptonian would be less painful after all this time.)  
  
_After all this time_.

 

It still brings a smile to her lips, and Alex Danvers wonders when she became so domestic, when she began to live for the moments of soft contentment that they share together, and has done for what feels like forever. The answer is probably the minute she realised she was in love with the girl with the leather jacket and the easy-bake oven.

 

“Hey, you,” Alex murmurs, expecting to draw a smile out of Maggie. It doesn’t work.  
  
Alex watches her carefully, her eyebrows drawing together as Maggie shrugs nonchalantly, not meeting her eyes in a way that says _‘it’s whatever’,_ and _‘you don’t think I’m a bad person?’_.

 

(She doesn’t. She never will.)

 

Maggie hovers by the kitchen island but doesn’t sit down. She takes a sip of coffee before replying, and the little dimple on her left cheek is there - Alex knows all too well that it’s only visible when she’s worried about something. It’s moments like that when she’s almost surprised by just how well they know each other. How they just fit. To anyone else, Maggie could just be tired from a long shift, or irritated by the new case last night that cut date-night short. But it’s not any of those things, and Alex knows that with the sinking feeling deep in her gut as Maggie bites her lip.  
  
“Mags?” she urges gently, reaching automatically for her hand and lacing their fingers together like they’re back in that little bed in the DEO and holding each other to keep afloat all through the night. The detective’s eyes finally raise enough to meet her own, and Alex sucks in a breath at the familiar pain she finds there.  
  
“Kate just called.”  
  
The warmth dissipates from the room, the temperature seeming to drop, slowly, and by a matter of half-degrees as Alex inhales as slowly as she can manage. Maggie’s distant tone sends a hot rush of adrenaline down her spine, and the prickly sensation of anxiety rushes across her skin. Alex nods once, clearing her throat before speaking.

 

“What did she say?”  
  
“The mole on the alien drug case was killed. They, uh, they need a new person to go undercover. Someone with experience.” Maggie whispers, looking down at her hands.  
  
There’s a lump in Alex’s throat as she takes another deep breath, her knuckles going white with how tightly she’s gripping the handle of her mug. She puts it down, dropping Maggie’s gaze for a moment in an attempt to steady herself.  
  
“They want you.”

 

It’s not a question, and Maggie knows it. They’re both all too aware the ins and outs of cases like this, the ones where dead bodies turn up at three AM and even the medical examiners with exobiological experience can’t identify whatever unearthly toxin flooded their systems in the dead of night, leaving the DEO, Maggie’s team, and Batwoman to clean up the mess.  
  
“Yeah,” Maggie whispers, tugging at a loose thread on her sleeve.  
  
“You always were the best cop, Sawyer,” Alex manages, forcing a short smile at the woman in front of her.  
  
“I have to, Alex. You know I have to.”  
  
“I know. I just... I get it but I don’t know what I’d do if-”  
  
Maggie brushes Alex’s hair out of her face, letting her thumb brush over her lips to silence her.  
  
“Don’t talk like that. I’ll be fine.”  
  
“You promise?” Alex almost regrets asking that the moment it leaves her mouth. She went to medical school, did the first few months of residency back in Seattle. She’s a doctor. They teach you right from the beginning to not to make promises to people. Not the ones you can’t keep, anyway.  
  
Maggie doesn’t seem to care about the fact that this is one of the most dangerous cases the NCPD’s ever seen, not to mention that the DEO are at a loss for how to help them out. A shitshow, Maggie had called it. The whole thing. But she’s going to go through with it - Alex knows that from the determined way she tries to reassure her, from the stubborn way she crosses her arms over her chest, and Alex’s protests die somewhere between her brain and the outside world.  
  
“I promise, Danvers.”  
  
All the air leaves Alex’s lungs in one go as Maggie pulls her in, laughing wetly as she brushes a stray tear from Alex’s cheek and presses a kiss to the soft skin there.  
  
“How long?”  
  
Maggie’s eyes harden at that, and the sinking feeling in Alex’s chest only intensifies. She smiles anyway.  
  
“Six months. I have to leave next week.”  
  
Alex tastes blood where her teeth sink into the delicate flesh of her bottom lip, trying to keep her panic under control for Maggie.  
  
“I don’t have a choice,” she whispers.  
  
“I know. I trust you, Mags.”  
  
Maggie visibly relaxes at that, all the tension leaving her shoulders as she leans into Alex’s embrace.  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
“I… I can’t imagine how many times I’ve run off to blow up a Cadmus base without back-up. Left you wondering if I’d make it.”  
  
“Only once or twice.”  
  
There’s a beat of silence as they take each other in.  
  
“Liar.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
The tension breaks abruptly when Maggie chokes on a sound that’s equally a laugh and a sob, and Alex pulls her in for a kiss that tastes like danger and home all at once. She’s back outside the Cadmus base with Brian watching them and needing to taste her last moment of safety before launching herself into space.  
  
It’s happening all over again, but how could she have expected anything less with the lives they lead, with the jobs that send them to another planet every other week? The faint echo of a memory licks at Alex’s skin, and the feeling of kissing Maggie like this, like it was the last time when they’d packed Maggie’s things before, resurfaces and it only makes her want to hold on tighter, kiss her harder. This time, she swears with everything that she has that she won’t let go.  
  
Maggie pulls away for air, sensing Alex’s thought process. Her eyes almost black as Alex shakes the memory from her head and almost smirks at the blush high in the detective’s cheeks.  
  
“If I’m gonna be alone for six months,” she murmurs, desperate to hold onto this while she still can, “maybe you should let me give you something to remember me by. Something for you to think about when you’re not here.”

  
Maggie raises an eyebrow in surprise at Alex’s suggestion, but nods quickly in unspoken agreement. Alex’s fingers tug at the hem of her shirt as she drags her back towards their bedroom, and Alex makes a mental note to apologise to J’onn for another unauthorised absence. Maggie turns her head just enough to reach her lips again, kissing her hard and the desperation behind her lips is dizzying.

 

“Sawyer,” Alex gasps, pulling away.

 

“Too much?”

 

Alex shakes her head.

 

“If you die on me, I’ll fucking kill you.”

 

Maggie laughs, and Maggie shoves her in a way that’s somehow still gentle into the nearest wall.  
  
  
  
//  
  
  
  
“This is really happening.”  
  
Alex squeezes Maggie’s hand tightly, pressing her fingers to her lips.  
  
“Are you-“  
  
“One hundred percent sure?”  
  
Alex nods jerkily, the self-proclaimed selfish part of her brain half-hoping that Maggie’s answer is no.  
  
“Yes.”

 

Maggie’s hand is warm in hers as they walk across the tarmac. It’s almost dark outside, the perfectly appropriate setting for the vigilante hijinks that Alex tries not to judge Maggie’s ex for taking part in. Maggie stops walking halfway there, her grip on Alex’s fingers tightening to the point where it’s almost painful.

 

“Mags?”

 

She holds out her arm, pointing to the beginning of the runway where the ground is still a little uneven after not being repaired for so long.

 

“Right there. Where the president was attacked.”

 

Maggie’s voice is monotonous and low, one of her tells that if she shows her pain outwardly she’s not going to be able to stop it. Alex’s chest hurts with how much she wants to take her hand and run in the opposite direction.

 

Neither of them are thinking about the former president.

 

“My crime scene,” Alex whispers.

 

The glare Maggie gives her is almost amusing, would be in any other circumstances, and Alex loves her for it.

 

“ _My_   crime scene.”

 

“Whatever.”

 

“Don’t you _whatever_ me.”

 

Alex must stay silent for a beat too long, because Maggie stands on her tiptoes to cup her chin, pressing a gentle kiss to her lips.

 

“I love you.”

 

“I love you.,” Alex replies immediately, and she can hear the thickness of emotion in her own words as they leave her lips.

 

“I-”

 

“No. This isn’t goodbye.”

 

“But-”

 

Maggie kisses her cheek softly.

 

“I’ll see you around, Danvers.”

 

Maggie turns around, and Maggie gets into the helicopter.

 

She’s gone before Alex can blink.

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

Eliza is at the apartment when Kara drives her back from the airport. Alex’s gut reaction, which nowadays makes her feel more guilty than anything else, given her newly healthy relationship with her mother, is one of anxiety.

 

“Hey, sweetie.”

 

“Hey. Kara didn’t say you were coming.”

 

Eliza pulls her into a tight hug, and Alex lets her, almost surprised by the fact that she doesn’t have to pretend to want to be there like she’s become used to over the years. When she releases her, Alex almost falls over Lucy Lane, who has suddenly appeared in Kara’s apartment.

 

“Kara didn’t say you were coming, either.”

 

Lucy rolls her eyes, and Alex bites back a comment about how it’s only so that she can see her face from so far down. That hadn’t ended well last time, after all.

 

“Wow, love you too, Danvers.”

 

“Whatever, Lane.”

 

“Okay! When you two have finished bickering or flirting, or whatever this is, we have a movie to watch.”

 

“Maggie-”

 

“Relax, Danvers, I know you two are soulmates. It’s as sickening as it is adorable.”

 

Alex blushes, ducking her head to avoid Lucy’s smirk.

 

“Do you mind if we watch this another time?” Alex mumbles, “I didn’t get much sleep last night, and-”

 

“Of course, Alex,” Eliza gives her a hug.

 

Lucy smirks at her.

 

“We don’t need to know everything about what you two get up to at night time.”.

 

Eliza chokes on her drink.

 

“I did _not_ mean-”

 

“Don’t lie to me, Danvers, I’m not a polygraph.”

 

“I hate you.”

 

“You love me.”

 

“Only if you drive me home and don’t drink my beer.”

 

“Done.”

 

Alex waves awkwardly at her sister, trying not to think about who’s missing from the room. It sounds stupid, but it already feels like she’s been gone for months, and Alex doesn’t know how six actual months is going to feel.

 

Lucy does drive her home, but unsurprisingly, also drinks her beer.

 

“You have so much vegan food.”

 

“I know. Remind me why you’re going through my kitchen?”

 

“I’m bored. And hungry. And your girlfriend is a lesbian stereotype.”

 

“Yeah, but she’s cute.”

 

“True.”

 

“So what was it you wanted to tell me?”

 

Lucy raises an eyebrow,

 

“How did you know?”

 

“The DEO doesn’t pay me to look down microscopes all day, I am a special agent, you know.”

 

“Fake special agent.”

 

Alex shrugs.

 

“I made a few calls to a couple of old friends in Gotham. They’re going to keep an eye on your girl.”

 

Alex’s eyes widen, “What?”

 

“I trust them not to blow her cover, Alex.”

 

A sigh falls from Alex’s lips.

 

“Okay.”

 

Lucy rolls her eyes again.

 

“This is weird,” Alex says after a long silence, “I keep expecting her to walk through the door. I mean, I don’t even know how to water her little tree thingies.”

 

“Calm down, she’s not dead.”

 

Alex tries not to flinch at that.

  
“Look, this isn’t some CW show, okay? She’s not going to die. She’s going to come home and you’re going to invite me to your wedding.”

 

“Maybe.”

 

“You wound me, Danvers.”

 

“Go to bed.”

 

“With you?”

 

Alex gives an exasperated sigh, using her best Agent Danvers glare.

 

“On. The. Couch.”

 

“Dammit.”

 

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

Lucy stays for a few weeks longer than planned, Pam has threatened to quit more times than either of them can count. J’onn seems to appreciate the help on the legal side of things, but Lucy mostly seems to follow Alex around the DEO stage-whispering pick-up lines at her every five minutes.

 

Alex has finally managed to shoo her out of the lab, and is finally enjoying some peace until J’onn comes in, closing the door quietly behind him.

 

“Alex?”

 

“Yeah? I’ll just be a minute, can you pass me that slide?”

 

J’onn hands it to her, standing in silence until Alex looks up from the microscope, frowning.

 

“Is something wrong? Did Kate call?”

  
“No, no. I just wanted to let you know that Maggie was close enough that I heard her mind for a moment.”

 

Alex’s shoulders sag forward in relief, and she exhales slowly. J’onn’s hand rests on her shoulder as he smiles gently.

 

“She was thinking that she misses you.”

 

When Alex looks up at him, he has his Proud Dad Expression on, and Alex lets him hug her despite the glass walls that threaten to let everyone know that Alex Danvers has feelings.

 

“I’m proud of you, Alex.”

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

_The first month stretches into what feels like a year, but the waiting was preferable to this, and Alex knows she will always regret the feeling of frustration at how long  it was taking when their time apart is cut short._

Anything _would be preferable to this._

 

 

 

It’s barely six AM, and it’s cold outside, and Alex really doesn’t want to be the one on call in the middle of the night just a week before Christmas. She’s shivering before she even gets to the DEO, in spite of the heat blasting from the car as she drives. The world seems one step removed from her, and Alex can’t shake the feeling that she’s one step behind everyone else, like they can see what’s right in front of her and about to swallow her whole, but she’s stuck behind them and hoping to God that she doesn’t crash.

 

She does, at the DEO, the second Kara grabs her and places down on the street two miles away all in the same second.

 

There’s something to be said about the timing when a Hellgrammite the size of a small truck crashes onto the tarmac, holding something – _someone_ – in its arms.

 

Alex’s heart stops for more than a few seconds as she forgets how to breathe.

 

“Maggie!”

 

The only thing that registers in Alex’s adrenaline-fuelled haze is that Maggie doesn’t respond, doesn’t move, and that without thinking she’s firing a gun at the thing, but it’s not _her_   gun, not the one Maggie is always betting on in every pool game, and the bullets clatter to the floor, useless.

 

It turns on her, stalking forwards and snarling something about a mole and _fucking cops_ but Alex doesn’t hear any of it, because its words are cut short by Kara’s heat vision that comes just a second after blood starts pooling around Maggie.

 

It’s dead.

 

Maggie isn’t.

 

 _Yet_ , Alex thinks, and her hands are shaking too badly to apply pressure, and Kara pushes her away and does it herself. Alex settles for smoothing back Maggie’s hair and watching her breathe.

 

The detective’s eyes slide open unexpectedly, and she whispers something that Alex can’t hear and it’s then that Alex’s brain catches up and she realises that Maggie’s lips are stained with blood. _I’m a doctor_ , she remembers, _that’s fucking bad._

 

“You’re gonna be fine,” she repeats it over and over, and Maggie’s fingers are grasping at her own, dragging her down with confusing strength.

 

“A-Alex.”

 

The blood is soaking through the gauze. They can’t move her. Alex can’t breathe.

 

“I love you,” Alex chokes.

 

 Maggie forces a smile, wincing with the effort it takes to even whisper. Her lips are blue, and she almost feels cold under Alex’s fingers.

 

“Marry... marry me.”

 

She’s unconscious again before she can hear Alex’s yes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... lesbian lives?
> 
> Please leave a comment ;)
> 
> and if you feel like encouraging my angst obsession: ko-fi.com/calzonayang ;)


	11. ready or not (you can't hide)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'ready or not, here I come, you can't hide (especially from Alexandra Danvers)'

Old habits die hard, and Alex bolts the minute she hears the words “potential brain damage”.

It’s fucking _freezing_ outside, and the numbness hasn’t fully set in yet – the adrenaline has long since died, however, leaving a burning terror that sticks to the inside of her throat and threatens to choke her. The wind is bordering on painful, and it’s a challenge to see more than a foot in front of her through the storm. The still-teenage voice inside her head who was kind of in love with her English teacher in high school mumbles something about pathetic fallacy as icy droplets of something caught between snow and rain burn her skin.

The dread is thick and burning, like napalm searing into her flesh as she struggles with shaking fingers to get the key into the ignition of her bike, willing it to just fucking _move_ , for God’s sake. Alex barely registers the presence behind her until she almost falls off the damn thing in an effort to kick it, and Lucy’s steel grip under her arms in the only thing tethering her to the Earth. 

It’s Henshaw’s metal claw closing around her throat, and the needle in the back of her neck in the elevator, and the man in black whispering the words “plane crash”, all at once, or maybe not at all, because this time, she has someonue to blame.

And if her training as a barely-past-teenage recruit, hardly even sober, and pretending not to be in withdrawal from something that no one except Maggie knows she ever tried, had meant anything?

Someone to  _kill._  

She can’t quite figure out how to draw in air, or apparently think in any way resembling coherent thought except what feels jarringly like the flashbacks she’d pretended she hadn’t had after killing Astra, after Rick, after the almost plane crash. Lucy is speaking, but Alex’s ears are ringing too much to make out the words - the only thing she can focus on is Maggie. She thinks she might be crying, or hyperventilating, or both, and the water running down her neck is suddenly crushing her, seeping into her lungs, and she can feel the weight of it above her head in the tank again.

The black spots in front of her eyes seem to grow, threatening to swallow her if she doesn’t get a grip the way she’s meant to, the way’s she’s _had to_. And despite the expanse of practically desolate land stretching out for a good mile around them, Rick- _fucking-_ Malverne-induced claustrophobia grates against the inside of her skull, making every sound and touch like nails on a chalkboard.

It feels like drowning, all too much and not enough, until Lucy catches onto something, grabbing Alex’s trembling hands in her own warm ones and _squeezes_ – almost hard enough to bruise, but definitely hard enough to slow the heady rush of terror in her veins.

“Don’t you fucking _dare_ ,”  Lucy hisses, her tone venomous, and Alex feels anger boiling in her chest as the other woman drags her back into the – thankfully empty – doorway. “What was your plan? Did you even have one? Or did you just think you could walk out with all out Cadmus intel and what?” she watches Alex with fire in her eyes, an iron grip on her wrist, “Go and shoot up Lillian Luthor? Pick a fight with a _fucking cyborg?”_

In any other circumstances, the prickling feeling of shame in her chest probably would have meant something, but Alex can’t bring herself to feel anything except anger, so she shrugs, too caught up in her spiralling to notice what Lucy’s reaching for behind her back.

Lucy stares her down for a long moment before the cold metal snaps closed around her wrist and around the door frame.

Alex practically _growls_  at her, fury burning hot in her chest. The apologetic glance Lucy throws her on her way out only angers her further, the agony only subdued by Lucy’s promise to keep Maggie safe. 

All Alex can think is _that’s my fucking job_.

 

 

//

 

 

Maggie makes it through the day. Then the night. Then the morning. Alex doesn’t let herself feel relief. 

She swears Maggie’s hand moves inside her own twice in that time. 

It doesn’t.

Kara is watching her, so she forces herself into drinking a glass of water without throwing up, which as it turns out is a lot more difficult than it sounds with Maggie’s blood still soaked into her sister’s suit, and no amount of scrubbing until her skin is raw seems to take away the memory of it staining her skin.

Eliza somehow scores a visitor’s pass, and they fight. 

Well – Eliza tries to comfort her and Alex _can’t_ ,  so she breaks and says everything she wanted to scream at her for the past decade but didn’t on the grounds of human fucking decency, and she knows she’s being cruel, pushing everyone away, but it feels completely out of her control and she doesn’t know how to slow down, how to stop. 

Alex hates herself for the things she says and only means a little bit, but that isn’t even the worst thing about it.

The worst part? The worst part is that Eliza isn’t even angry.

 

 

//

 

 

Maggie’s skin is only now starting to feel warm, human, and Alex has to fight the urge to just hug her, the craving for something physical to ground her almost primal in its overwhelming potency. It’s impossible considering the sheer number of tubes and wires tangling around each other to keep her alive.

It’s something like three AM, and the steady, mechanical _whooshing_  of the machine that’s breathing for Maggie is echoing like a gunshot in Alex’s brain every other second and if she didn’t know any better she’d probably think she’s going crazy.

(She doesn’t know any better, which is something she realises when J’onn comes to ‘keep her company’.)

J’onn has his arm around her, and for some reason the contact makes her flinch, makes her skin crawl, but she lets him stay put. Alex knows better than to think it’s for any reason other than to stop her from doing something stupid.

If anything, it’s bold of him to assume she hasn’t got better at being reckless - her name is Alexandra Danvers, of course, and danger is practically in her blood at this point.

 

 

//

 

 

 

On the second day, there’s still no change except that Lucy lets her go home alone.

‘To shower’.

And Alex _does_ shower, and quickly realises the privacy and the nearby objects is a huge mistake because she spends the entire time trying not to flinch at the running water and trying even harder not to look at the top of her thigh, which hasn’t been an issue at all recently but was still obvious enough that Maggie had noticed that not all of it was stretch marks, even if it wasn’t as noticeable as it felt.

The urge she hasn’t felt in a while resurfaces with a vengeance, sucking the breath from her lungs and leaving her feeling dizzy and weak. It’s scary how hard it is to resist when all her control is slipping away, and the only way she can get it to stop before she does something she’s going to hate herself for later isn’t holding ice cubes or working out enough to cause damage like it was before – it’s _planning_.

So she does.

 

 

//

 

 

 

After the shower, Alex finds their old engagement rings in a little box in Maggie’s bedside table, and the metal is somehow warm against her skin as she slips it onto her hand. 

Maggie’s badge is still on the kitchen table where she left it and it hurts more than that time she was stabbed.

She lets herself cry for the first time, if only for a minute. The tears only serve to irritate the ragged flesh of the hole Cadmus has carved out of her chest and she swears on the fucking multiverse to _end them_.

 

 

//

 

 

Alex checks in one more time before she leaves.

Maggie’s blood volume is finally compatible with living outside of a bypass machine and it should feel like hope, except it doesn’t because she knows herself too well, and she can’t _not_  do this.

It’s painfully clichéd, but Maggie does look peaceful, and it only intensifies the already-growing clash between everyone else’s calm and Alex’s bubbling rage.

She makes herself leave, and downs a few shots of cheap tequila, because whiskey tastes like her fiancée, as she mulls over her options and ignores Lucy’s concerned side-glances.

Lena doesn’t know anything – Alex knows that without having to interrogate her. It’s the same for Maggie’s contacts at the bar, and also Jess, Lena’s secretary, who was probably not a great person to threaten but Alex can’t really bring herself to feel remorse right now for that.  

A couple of the monsters underneath Alex’s workplace on the other hand? 

Well, between that and the database Winn will probably regret drunkenly showing her how to hack last year, Alex has a number.

Buying a burner phone and a metric-fuck-ton more ammo from the same dimly-lit and stereotypically dodgy place is troublingly easy, and Alex makes a mental note to use her almost-friendship with Cat Grant to address the whole gun laws situation because even she finds this a little on the where-the-fuck-is-this-country-headed side of the spectrum.

For the first time, a sense of something resembling calmness settles in her chest, and she lets herself feel hope that Maggie will wake up, that she’ll be able to look at her the same way after this.

She shoves three guns, a few grenades and a couple of extra psychic dampening patches into a bag – Kara’s hearing is good, but not good enough for where she’s headed - pulls a ski mask over her face and sends a text to Kara from the burner before ditching it. 

_Sorry. I love you, okay? I’ll be back as soon as I can. Tell her I love her._

Digging the tracker out of her arm the second time somehow hurts more than the first.

_//_

“Miss Danvers,” Maxwell Lord drawls, and Alex wonders briefly if his ego is actually larger than her desire to punch him in his smug face. “It’s been a while. You look good.”

She watches in satisfaction as his eyes dart from her what definitely is not her face downwards to the two thigh holsters she’s wearing and his expression darkens. A breathy, humourless laugh escapes her lips before she can stop it, and he physically recoils as her fingers slide over the cool metal strapped to her thigh.

“It has,” she agrees.

He straightens up, almost backs into the wall in an effort to get to the door.

“If this is about Supergirl, I-”

“Don’t think I haven’t been watching your every move since Myriad, Lord,” she murmurs, closing in on him “I’d know if you were involved.”

Relief passes over his face, and he seems to relax a little under the pressure.

“ _Directly_ involved,” she clarifies, and in one movement his face is against the wall, cuffs snapping closed around his wrists.

“What are you-”

“Give me your phone.”

“On the table.”

Alex doesn’t give herself time to enjoy his surrender, already scrolling through his contacts on the phone that’s so obviously another burner that she wonders how his ego could possibly have become so inflated in the first place. 

The only number in it only has incoming texts – two in the past week, and Alex shoves the thing in her pocket.

“Cadmus?”

“I don’t know. I think so? They made me – I didn’t do anything.”

“Made you _what_?”  she hisses, looking pointedly down at the definitely-not-standard-government-issue-handgun until he deflates.

“Money. They wanted me to transfer a few million into an offshore account – from the research grant.”

“What research grant? There’s no way anyone with more than half a functioning neurone would legally fund your bullshit.”

“I thought you were a scientist, Alex,” he mumbles, somehow still sneering at her even if it is unintentional.

Irritation prickles under her skin, and she fights the urge to just leave him there, cuffed to the wall. Maggie’s undying respect for civil rights or something must have rubbed off on her after all. 

“I don’t know what they want, okay? They didn’t say anything except to keep hold of the money in the offshore account temporarily. No details, no requests, nothing.”

“Is that it?” 

Lord looks uncomfortable for a long moment, and Alex lets him squirm under her stare before she reaches into her bag, dangling the keys to the cuffs right in front of his nose.

“You want out? Tell me everything.” 

“They called themselves Cadmus.” 

Alex nods once, sliding the key into the lock but not turning it yet. 

“That’s it?” 

“That’s it. Nothing else. I know you love to threaten me but-” he gestures to the titration equipment set up on the lab bench, “-I’m in the middle of something, you seem to be… in a rush, and you should trust me and stop wasting your time.”

Alex slides the cuffs off his wrists reluctantly.

“Just to be clear, Lord, I will _never_ trust you.”

“Good evening to you too, Alexandra. Unless you wanted to-”

“Fuck you, Max,” she spits

“Not quite what I was asking, but-”

She punches him in the jaw for good measure before leaving.

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

As she’d expected, Max hadn’t been smart enough to scramble his signal, or even turn the burner off between communications, and the number disconnects the minute she takes the thing out of the city.

Tracing the number had been the easiest part – god, she owes Winn the biggest thank you gift she can afford at this point, maybe a hug or a puppy or something – and the signal is coming from, you guessed it, another abandoned warehouse.

The wind tangles in her hair (she still isn’t used to the cold because of the damn undercut that Maggie didn’t shut up about for a good month after she came home with it one day) and Alex makes another mental note to ask the President what the fuck is up with all the creepy, asking-to-be-used-for-all-the-wrong-things warehouses around here.

A CCTV camera in a place where it definitely shouldn’t be catches Alex’s eye as she speeds down another isolated street, and something about the whole thing raises goosebumps across her skin. Alex suppresses a shudder, trying not to think about Maggie, and how if something went wrong – or hell, went right – she’d be unreachable.

It’s then that she almost wrecks her bike as a straight-out-of-a-shitty-action-movie black van with the plates removed tries to run her off the road.

She squeezes the brakes hard enough that her wrist cramps, and the bike slows just enough that it doesn’t crush her as it topples over, even if her shoulder isn’t going to thank her for it. Alex rolls over, still shuddering with the change in momentum as her body goes from over a hundred miles per hour to zero in about five seconds. Fortunately, the first few bullets _just_ miss her skull, and the high-pitched vibrations set her teeth on edge. They miss, if only by a few inches, but who’s counting at this point – and thankfully the adrenaline does something to numb the throbbing ache in her left shoulder as she cocks her gun, firing off a few shots before groping around for a flash grenade.

The sudden movement sends a shock of pain down her torso and another mental note is made to make a conscious attempt to stop breaking the same rib.

 At least the bike is fine.

It buys her enough time that she can kick her bike back into life instead of getting shot, and her heart is thudding so violently in her chest that she considers pulling over and googling the symptoms of a heart attack in women because they just don’t teach you the difference in med school and this might be the time sexism kills her.

Okay, maybe not, but she’s a little loopy from the adrenaline and definitely not capable of entirely coherent thought except to kill the bastards who hurt Maggie. 

It fucking _hurts_  despite her best efforts to compartmentalise, but the warehouse is coming into sight. Alex kills the engine a few hundred meters away, hiding behind a tangle of bushes and tries not to wonder too much if she’s snapped her collarbone.

She decides it doesn’t matter as long as she can shoot, and takes a few deep breaths in an attempt to steady herself. They have more security than Alex knows for a fact the White House has – that’s for sure – but she has the advantage of likely having incapacitated the people who could have sent out an SOS.

It makes her skin crawl a little, even if they did work for Cadmus – contrary to apparently popular belief, Alex hates killing, regardless of the occasional necessity that comes with her job, but she’s _always_ willing to protect.

And if a few Cadmus agents get caught the crossfire, it’s worth it - Alex can’t question that when it comes to the ones she loves. (It doesn’t mean she won’t think of them as she’s falling asleep every night for the foreseeable future, wondering if they were people like her father who didn’t start out there out of choice, and somehow that hurts more than if it’s just some extra-terrestrial with no concept of morals and a god complex – _looking at you, Mxysptlk_.)

Alex leans to the side, eyes sweeping over the area for guards. Once again, it’s too little too late and a gunshot fires off a few feet to her right. The threat doesn’t try again with a bullet in their leg and Alex decides it’s now or never, pulling out both guns and heading towards the door.

But of course, because Alex and successful Cadmus missions mix like oil and water, the whole damn place lights up the second she walks through the door.

Alex hears the explosion before she feels it, and with a nagging suspicion that this isn’t just any Cadmus agent but the woman she’s been hunting in particular, she fires off a shot in the direction she swears she saw movement before the roof falls in.

 

 

//

 

 

Her vision returns a time later, and the ringing in her ears stops at some point after that, and Alex lies there, staring at the moonless sky and wondering where her concept of time went, and also how she was lucky enough that the giant wooden beam (which has giant, rusty nails sticking out of it because _of course it does_ ) missed her stomach by barely a foot.

(It should probably be recorded in a medical journal somewhere that it _is_ , in fact, entirely possible to overcome basic instincts, because isn’t she supposed to have some kind of sense of self preservation?

 Onto more pressing matters, Alex sits up slowly, shockingly not injured more than she had been before thanks to the whole motorcycle crash thing ( _ha, donorcycles – the part of her that’s kind of high on adrenaline almost laughs because it feels more real than when she was a doctor)._

And Alex knows it’s not scientifically possible for your blood to actually run cold but that is decidedly exactly what happens when none other than Lillian fucking Luthor chokes out her name barely two meters away.

 That would be the double vision, Alex suddenly realises, gingerly poking the throbbing back of her head that she hadn’t realised was injured until just now. It’s mildly concerning, and a haematoma is definitely on the list of things to not tell Maggie when she wakes up. (The _if_ , rather than _when_ , resounds somewhere in her head and Alex crawls towards her with a renewed hatred for the woman.)

“Luthor?”

The woman wheezes a little, and Alex is hit with another realisation – this time that she must also be an alien or something equally powerful, because her stray bullet has seemingly lodged itself in between her target’s ribs.

And somehow, the woman is still giving her that smug look that makes her want to put another bullet in her, except there’s clearly a phone in her pocket and Alex really needs to call for backup before she passes out or something.

Her heart is trying to break out of the confines of her ribcage again as they take each other in, the air thick with tension and genuine flair of desire to hurt, to _destroy,_ flares up in Alex’s chest with so much force that she almost does.

“Why?”

Lillian half-chokes on something vaguely resembling a laugh, and rage scratches gratingly against Alex’s skin, begging for an escape. 

“Why… what?” 

Alex’s fingers close around her throat – not hard enough to kill her, but with enough pressure that real fear dances briefly in her eyes. It’s not nearly as satisfying as Alex hoped it would be, and she tries not to hope Kara will get here soon.

  
“My father. The alien drugs - _Maggie_.”

“He was valuable.”

Electricity crackles down Alex’s spine and the sound of engines approaching registers in Alex’s still-muffled ears.

“Where is he?”

Lillian glares up at her, and Alex’s realises her fingers are slick with blood. The almost-guilt has given way to a fully-fledged desire for revenge, now, and Alex would regret calling for backup so soon if it weren’t for the other Cadmus agents that are likely to be lurking somewhere around.

“If I knew-” 

“ _Don’t_.  Lie to me.”

“I’m not.”

Alex lets out a breath, slowly, fighting the urge to just kill her and get it over with.

“Was it you who ordered the hit on my – on Detective Sawyer?”

Lillian stares at her, unblinkingly, her eyes hard. 

“Yes. She deserved it.”

Kara, of course, chooses that exact moment to burst in through the rubble, pulling Alex away before she can watch her die, and it’s all Alex can do to pray to whatever deity she doesn’t even believe in that the disgusting excuse for a human _does_ die, with or without intervention.

With an abrupt feeling of déjà vu, Alex finds herself sitting in the back of a van, still trembling with fury as Lucy all but ties her down to keep her still.

“I love you, Alex, but what the _fuck_?” Lucy sighs, looking so weary that Alex almost feels bad about it. 

Almost.

“Maggie?”

Lucy’s lips curve into a smile, and she pulls Alex into a tight hug, letting out a relieved breath.

“She’s asking for you.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	12. back to the world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Forever, as it turns out the second time, really does mean forever.
> 
> Maggie is hers. After four years, and a thousand near-death experiences, she’s hers.'

 

The day Maggie comes home is also the day Alex is officially suspended.

It’s not a loss so much as collateral damage, Alex decides; Lillian Luthor is (unfortunately) still wasting perfectly good oxygen but (fortunately) living in the closest you can (semi-legally) get to a cage. The lectures from J’onn and Kara about safety and how self preservation should definitely be an instinct by now don’t make her feel as guilty as they usually would - not when the woman who stole so much from her is locked in a cage underground.

Whether or not the president wants J’onn to fire her is beside the point.

In fact, the only thing Alex can really bring herself to regret is that the DEO’s moles inside Cadmus have been a lot quieter for a lot longer than they have before, and apparently the fish doesn’t just rot from the head, because the whole damn organisation now only exists in the paperwork on Pam’s desk. Cadmus, or what’s left of it, has vanished, but Alex knows better than to get her hopes up this time.

Alex moves around the apartment, finding things to clean and put away while Maggie watches her pensively from the couch, her eyes tracking Alex’s every movement as she wipes down the already clean surfaces and seemingly does anything except stand still. It’s the first time they’ve actually been alone in months and more importantly, the first time neither of them are hopped up on morphine and sober enough for actual conversation. The tension in the room hangs heavy, ready to snap at any second as Alex waits – what for, she’s not entirely sure.

Maggie clears her throat, and very clearly tries not to wince as she takes in Alex’s stiff posture, and the way she keeps looking over at her every so often, watching her like that, with wide, nervous eyes and an oddly distant expression like she’s one step removed from the room.

“Danvers?” Despite the softness of Maggie’s voice, it makes her jump. Seconds pass as Alex realises that she’s meant respond, meant to be able to respond, but the lump in her throat is kind of making that impossible, and the only thoughts she can piece together in her mind right now are of Maggie’s blood staining her skin and the memory of the crushing pressure of water rising just above her neck. Alex knows without a doubt that Maggie can tell exactly where her mind is, but even so, actually being able to put that into words is a whole other challenge.

Alex swallows painfully, feeling Maggie’s eyes burning into her skin, watching her with something in her eyes that Alex can’t really identify as anything except concern, when she meets Maggie’s gaze, and drops it just as fast. She shakes her head to dislodge the haze of delayed emotion, fiddling with the thermostat and wondering it’s actually as cold in here as it feels.

“Yeah, Mags?”

“Stop holding your breath, babe.” 

How Maggie had picked up on that from across the kitchen Alex has no idea, but she’s right, of course, and Alex tries to make herself breathe. In. Out. In. Out. Breathing is an involuntary biological process, she tells herself, it should be easy.

It’s not.

Alex finds herself moving closer automatically, and Maggie’s touch should be comforting, her hands warm and alive against Alex’s skin, but even so she tries unsuccessfully to supress a shudder at the brush of hypersensitive skin.

“Did you take your meds?” Alex breathes, still standing stiffly in front of her.

“You watched me take them,” Maggie reminds her, an unmistakable softness in her tone as she laces their fingers together in an attempt to draw a response out of her that isn’t monosyllabic.

“Right.” 

Alex sighs deeply, staring hard at but not really noticing the pile of books on the coffee table.  

“You want to tell me what happened out there?” Maggie asks, gently, letting Alex sit down beside her in her own time.

“How did you-”

“I saw your ribs, and Kara is terrible at keeping secrets.”

Maggie’s half-loving, half-exasperated expression draws a half-smile out of Alex at the memory of a thousand conversations like this one, a thousand arguments about Kara’s glasses and the whole of National City knowing their secret. The smile leaves Alex’s face almost as quickly as it had appeared, as Maggie rests her hand on Alex’s thigh, trying to assure her that she’s alive, that she’s here.

And Alex can’t pretend she doesn’t jump a little at the touch, panic gripping her chest as Maggie moves away too quickly to not have noticed. Internally, Alex curses herself for not factoring in that Maggie picks up on _everything_.

“Sorry,” Alex mutters, her shoulders tense, “it’s nothing.”

“Alex, you can tell me if-”

Her breath catches in her throat, whatever half-formed explanation she had ready evaporating at the troubled look in Maggie’s eyes.

“You don’t need to worry. I didn’t… nothing happened. It’s just-” Alex cuts herself off with a sigh, her jaw clenching.

She can’t explain it, can’t put into words how the suppressed urge is just – it’s getting to her, the force of it sticking in the back of her mind, ever present, and it reminds her of the whole running water thing after the kidnapping.

Maggie takes a deep breath, not saying anything, and anxiety tightens its hold on her chest. Occasionally Alex finds herself almost missing the times when no one really paid attention, when she didn’t have to explain - and this just might be one of them. Maggie’s jaw is clenched when she looks at her, and a wave of guilt crashes over Alex at the worry that’s so obviously eating away at her. 

“But you wanted to?” It’s phrased like a question, but it’s clear from Maggie’s careful tone that she already knows the answer.

Alex sighs, and tries not to recoil at being the subject of another conversation when Maggie’s the one who-

-but they’ve talked about this before. Not a lot, but enough that Maggie knows more than Kara does, more than anyone, really. Physical scars are a lot harder to hide, after all, and it was inevitable that Maggie would find out either way.

“Kara was pretty much watching me 24/7,” Alex offers, realising a second too late that Maggie definitely won’t see that as a good thing considering she just made it sound like the only reason she hadn’t-

-but Maggie exhales slowly, contemplatively, arching an eyebrow in a way that’s somehow inconspicuous instead of patronising. She shifts carefully on the couch to face her, quickly shaking her head as if to dismiss the guilt etched into Alex’s face.

“Apparently not well enough,” she sighs.

“If you mean that I brought Luthor in, it was worth it,” Alex insists, “and I don’t need babysitting.”

“I didn’t just mean that. If Kara was on Supergirl duty, where was Lucy? J’onn?”

“I don’t need a babysitter, okay?”

“You could have died, Alex,” Maggie whispers, her voice strained.

The bubbling irritation flares into anger in Alex’s chest, and she finds herself yelling, “you were dying! In my arms! You proposed and I had to sit there and just hold you while you bled out in the middle of a fucking street, Maggie. I couldn’t do anything.” The tears in Alex’s eyes spill over, and she rubs at her eyes angrily with her fist, breathing hard, “don’t tell me you wouldn’t go after them if it were me.”

“You’re right, I would.”

Maggie sounds so defeated, and Alex is reminded with a jolt that she _does_ get it, _does_ understand the feeling of watching the person she loves an inch away from death and being completely helpless.

And by some twisted joke of the universe, Alex supposes, they’re even now.

Alex pulls her as gently as she can into a hug, and Maggie relaxes into it but only slightly, and doesn’t look at her. Alex can tell she wants to say something, that the silence is one of her thoughtful ones, and decides to wait it out, murmuring an ‘I love you’ into the crook of her neck.

“I proposed,” Maggie murmurs.

With a deep breath, Alex looks at her, holding eye contact as she nods, slowly. It’s completely ridiculous, and entirely probable - in Alex’s opinion - that the proposal was merely a side-effect of the whole dying thing, of the inebriating rush of adrenaline and racing thoughts of oh-fuck-this-could-be-the-end.

Or, it could be something entirely different, judging by the sombre look in Maggie’s eyes and the glimmer of hope that shines without a hint of regret, overshadowing the worry from before – and maybe Alex is overestimating her ability to judge what’s coming just from Maggie’s expression, but she hasn’t been wrong before and it feels unlikely that now is the time to start.

“You did,” Alex agrees, teetering dangerously on the line between serious and almost teasing.

Alex waits for the anxiety, but it never comes.

Maggie blushes, of all reactions, and does that little head tilt thing that she does when she’s feeling mostly gay but also a little insecure. The slight nervousness is entirely unfounded, of course, and Alex slips her hand into Maggie’s, squeezing gently.

“Did you mean it?”

Maggie looks at her with a tinge of surprise in her eyes that makes Alex’s chest feel tight. She traces her fingers over Maggie’s, sighing a little in relief when Maggie squeezes back. Her eyes light up with that happy spark that makes Alex _ache_ , and she nods. “I meant it.”

The tension between them is thankfully - and abruptly - gone, for the most part, leaving Alex feeling almost deflated with relief at the sight of Maggie’s dimpled smile, all wide and adorable. Alex’s hands come up of their own volition to cup Maggie’s jaw, and she gets distracted with just how absurdly soft her skin is, and it’s Maggie who has to stretch upwards a little for their lips to meet.

The little huff of annoyance against Alex’s lips that she feels, rather than hears, is almost enough to make her stay put, but she slides off the couch, her lips still tingling from the kiss. Maggie’s eyes open again slowly, with just enough time for the surprise to settle in when she realises that Alex is down on one knee.

“My answer will always be yes, Maggie,” Alex breathes, smiling in an effort to shake off the heaviness reminding her that this could have ended, that it very nearly did. “But I refuse to do this one more time when the world is ending or one of us is – whatever. And I think that waiting for the right time is stupid, because you were right; life is short, and it’s not perfect – but we should be happy while we can. So, Maggie Sawyer.”

Alex swallows, blinking back happy tears. Maggie nods once, and Alex practically swoons under the incredibly warm look she’s giving her.

“Maggie Sawyer… be my wife?”

The last bit comes out as really more of a squeak than anything else, and both of them are kind of laughing a little and kind of crying a lot as Alex grabs the rings from her pocket and reaches for Maggie’s hand.

“Only if you’ll be mine too,” Maggie replies, and it’s teasing but with an underlying promise that somehow still makes Alex’s stomach flip.

And it’s not as dramatic as before, with no crumbling balcony or almost-apocalypse, but Alex has had more than enough time with the undercover position to think about how she had wanted to go, and that just doesn’t involve waiting around for a lighter mood. The main goals of minimal crying and hopefully a yes are only half achieved but it doesn’t seem to matter as Maggie pulls her closer.

Alex kisses her then, long and sweet, pausing only for a moment to show Maggie the recently added inscription on the inside of the old rings.

 _Ride or die._  

All Alex knows is that she believes it with everything that she is. She vows then and there to show Maggie exactly that every day for the rest of their lives.

She says as much, of course, and Maggie calls her a dork and kisses her until she’s breathless and a gay mess.

Some things just don’t change.

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

Kara walks in on Alex and Maggie the next morning when they’re not entirely clothed, and barely notices because the first thing she sees is the rings. She squeals so loudly Alex is sure her ears are damaged beyond repair, and Kara makes them put shirts on before hugging them babbling excitedly about weddings until Alex actually has to kick her out so she can go and make sure a cruise ship in the Pacific doesn’t sink.

Clearly, Supergirl has her priorities straight.

Lucy calls every five minutes to check on Maggie and flirt with both of them, so Maggie ends up telling her and J’onn on the phone and inviting everyone over for a game night that evening.

Alex doesn’t drink scotch with everyone else, content with Maggie snuggled into her side as they watch their family argue over rent in Monopoly, and how it’s just flat-out dangerous to use superspeed with the dice. J’onn rolls his eyes at them, and makes sure Alex is within earshot when he pulls Maggie aside to give his blessing – to both of them, he makes sure to say, because Maggie is just as much his Earth daughter as Alex is.

For the first time in almost twenty years – Maggie tells her later, as they get ready for bed – she feels like someone’s daughter, and J’onn calls her as much and kisses her forehead when they give him an invite to the wedding in person. It’s the first time Maggie actually cries in front of anyone except Alex, and it doesn’t escape Alex’s attention that Winn and Lucy look a little tearful too. She can’t blame them, after all.

Eliza Danvers arrives a week later, supposedly to plan an engagement party and to support Alex through her investigation, but she and Maggie seem to have hatched a plan to teach Alex to cook, much to her dismay.

They go through seven smoke alarms in a weekend.

Maggie streaks flour across Alex’s cheek and neither of them see Eliza taking a photo of the moment and saving it as her lockscreen. Alex only finds out a month later when it magically appears framed and on their kitchen wall next to a very smug Kara.

 

 

 

//

 

 

The happy bubble Alex finds herself in is only really disrupted by, unsurprisingly, Cadmus.

Or more accurately, its demise. 

Lillian Luthor survives, and is found guilty on multiple charges of treason, terrorism, false imprisonment and murder just to name a few. Alex is incredibly glad they decide to keep her alive when the president locks her in a newly-built maximum security facility that’s supposed to hold five inmates but really it’s only her.

But this is real life, and there are no fairy tale happy endings, and Alex finds herself still on probation and doing paperwork as co-director of the city base when they find a file of medical notes and case files all labelled with the name ‘Jeremiah Danvers’.

And she realises at two in the morning in the middle of a night shift that he isn’t coming home.

That if he ever did, she wouldn’t know him as her father. As the man who painted with her and sang and taught her to surf and how to be a sister to Kara, and-

-Maggie and Kara find her hours later beating the hell out of a heavy bag in the basement, drunk out of her mind and begging them not to call Eliza until she’s sober so she can finally be enough.

It prompts a trip to Midvale, and for the first time, Alex lets them in so they can grieve.

Time helps, and Alex teaches Maggie to surf that summer, grateful for the distraction as Kara splashes them from the shore and Eliza reads a book nearby. They make it to a high school reunion, and no one is surprised when Alex turns up holding Maggie’s hand, both of them wearing engagement rings.

It almost seems perfect.

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

Forever, as it turns out the second time, really does mean forever. 

Maggie is hers. After four years, and a thousand near-death experiences, she’s hers.

Alex paces the room in her suit, thankful that Kara has finally stopped her desperate attempts to get you to look at wedding dresses on the big day. J’onn is somewhere no one will tell her about with Maggie, and Eliza is fixing her hair for what feels like the millionth time that morning.

“Alex?” she calls, like she’s been trying to get her attention. The look on her face is warm and excited, and she unconsciously re-positions the collar of Alex’s shirt.

“Yeah, Mom?”

“I’m so proud of you.”

It’s the first of many times that day that Alex ruins her eye makeup.

Maggie surprises her, having refused to say what she was wearing beforehand, in a white dress that’s equally gorgeous and unexpected. The way she looks at her from across the room – it’s like something out of Kara’s favourite rom-coms where everyone else just fades away – with those dimples and _god_ , that smile, the one that grounds her and makes her feel like nothing else matters.

In that moment, Alex feels like she finally understands what it means to love someone with every fibre of her being. She’s loved before, of course, but never like this, never so fully, so unconditionally and immeasurably. Maggie says ‘I do’, looking up at Alex like she’s the luckiest person in the multiverse.

Which is ridiculous, Alex tells her later, in bed, because that person is her.

Of course, Maggie decides that it’s appropriate to lean in and whisper ride or die in her ear, leaving her a gay mess in front of all their friends and family just as she had on that crime scene all those years ago. And that’s not mentioning the fact that Lucy wolf-whistled at the both of them when they kissed, which in hindsight, Alex definitely should have expected.

That their wedding party is crashed by another fifth-dimensional being, because of course it is, is another story, and Maggie refuses to tell anyone how she kept a handgun in her wedding dress.

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

It’s a rare occasion where both of them have the day off one morning – Maggie does run her own precinct now, after all - and Maggie flicks through channels on the TV, sometimes smirking at Alex and commenting on the medical inaccuracies in whatever show is playing on the screen. Alex laughs with her from where she’s going through old clothes in the bedroom - she’s taught her well. 

Alex walks past with a load of laundry in her arms, throwing a shirt with weirdly accurate aim into the pile on the floor as Maggie watches in amusement before turning back to the TV.

Something falls out of the pocket of an old pair of jeans – probably Maggie’s, judging from the size - not that either of them really know which clothes belong to who anymore. Alex picks it up, unfolding the faded receipt and reading the words on the back.

It hits her after a moment of confusion that it’s the receipt from that day in the restaurant all those years ago, the five rules they’d written down and attempted to stick to for all of two weeks.

And maybe in other universes other Maggies and other Alexes are married, and maybe they aren’t. Maybe they want kids, and maybe they don’t. Maybe they don’t lead crazy lives and maybe they would want to give all that up.

All Alex knows is that in this universe, in this life, she chooses this.

“Hey, babe?”

Alex hands it to her wife, which, _wow_ , it’s still so amazing to call her that, and Maggie just gives her one of those soft smiles, putting it down on the coffee table and pulling her into a kiss.

“Some rules are made to be broken, Danvers.”

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
